I survived Monday…barely. It wasn’t really that busy, because a couple of my appointments cancelled, but I still felt like I was running around like a crazy person, even though I only worked six hours. Spent an hour at lunch with Dad, an hour running some errands, and an hour checking in on the folk’s water-garden store.
They had build-a-pond day, which is where a shitload of pond contractors come and DUH, build a pond in one day. From what I saw, it looked like it was going to turn out pretty nice. And of course, Mom will be in charge of plants, etc, so it’s sure to look fancy and beautiful by the time she’s done. She has a very green thumb.
Took Kizz to the vet yesterday for her allergy shot. She was pretty lethargic afterward and she HATES to go to the vet, but I think she was happy to get a car ride and I know now that she won’t be so itchy. She spent all of last night and this morning climbing into my lap and not moving. She really needed some loving, and hey, that’s what I’m there for, right?
Malcom and I are dreaming and scheming about our moving plans. We are on track financially for definitely September, maybe sooner, depending on how many loans Malcom can get closed in May. I’m thrilled with the idea of not having to spend another winter in Kansas and finally being with my baby. One happy family…me, Malcom, and the Kizzie-Monster, as Malcom likes to call her.
I, of course, slept like crap last night. I fell asleep on the couch around 9:30 p.m., then was up around 11:00 for about an hour and woke up for good at 3:00 a.m. Four hours just doesn’t really cut it, but I know that it’s better than nothing. There were, of course, nightmares, so in a way I’m just thankful to be up and alert. I have pretty much lost all hope that I will be able to one day be “normal” and sleep eight to nine uninterrupted hours a night. Even with a shitload of medication, I’m barely scraping by.
Speaking of which, I have been thinking recently about tapering down some of my meds. I know in reality that it isn’t a very good idea and is probably not a good sign, as that’s what people think about when they stop taking them.
I just feel like they are poison — helping me to an extent, but wreaking havoc on my body. My hair is thinning out (I’m not going bald by any means, but it is definitely getting thinner), I feel like crap in my stomach most of the time, my head gets all buzzy and fuzzy anytime I miss one of them, and I don’t know…I just feel like my body is a toxic waste dump and the doctors keep on adding more things to put me on.
I take 23, up to 28 pills a day to be “stable,” and I wouldn’t call what I am now stable, although it’s possible that this is stable as I will get. I can’t sleep, can’t work 40 hours a week, can’t handle stress, and sometimes just can’t function. Oh yeah…and the nightmares. How could I forget the wake-up-sweating-and-screaming nightmares?
It’s at least something to talk to my doctor about. I’m on some meds that are new to the market and no one really knows what the long-term side effects are. For all I know, my liver and kidneys will be shot by the time I’m 45. Or sooner. I’m just sick of taking so many meds. You’d think I would have accepted it by now, but I haven’t.
And everytime I go to the doctor, they want to put me on something new, without taking me off of something I’m already taking. There’s something wrong with that. There just is.
There are meds that I know that I have to take in order to function. Klonopin for anxiety…I’m a wreck without it. Celexa for depression, and a couple of other mood stabilizers, which, possibly, I could live without. I really don’t know because I haven’t tried. But I think I’m going to bring it up with Dr. Rx the next time I see her.
There has to be a better way.
