Throwing Dried Beans at Anxiety

My day didn’t start off any worse than usual.  Then I left home. 

The first hour of group was intolerable (or untolerable, something like that).  We did a mindfulness exercise where we were supposed to be mindful of some dried beans in a plastic cup.  There were over ten people in group today, and it took everything I had not to leave the room screaming, listening to all of those people shaking their beans around.  SO MUCH NOISE. 

After the bean exercise, this guy, who I will call MAKES ME WANT TO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE, or MMWTJOAB, shortened to simply Bridge, was being really negative about the skills we were using and why do we have to do homework and why oh WHY can’t we talk about what’s really going on…you know, the depression, the anxiety, the suicidal thoughts, the self-harm, the ABUSE. 

The group leader unsuccessfuly tried to explain to Bridge that the group served as a basis to learn skills to cope with these issues and that those other things should be discussed with your individual therapist, so that you don’t upset people in group.  Bottom line, he was angry, he was threatening, and if I would have had a brick I may have hit him in the face with it just to get him to shut up. 

On break, I’m sure that I was visibly anxious and upset, both from the bean exercise and Bridge being a moron, so I was standing away from the group, looking into the space over the brick wall I was facing.  All of a sudden, this face started to jump up over the brick wall over and over.  It scared the shit out of me.  I thought I was hallucinating.  I thought I had finally lost it.  I thought someone was coming after me. 

When this person stepped inside the wall, I said “That wasn’t funny,” which was remarkably controlled of me, because I really would have liked to throw her scrawny ass into the street and watch her get run over by a trash truck say something a little harsher.  I just didn’t have it in me.

I then spent fifteen minutes crying and being upset in one of the counselor’s offices because mine wasn’t available.  What they said wasn’t all that helpful, other than that they let me take a break and go sit in the meditation garden and chainsmoke. 

Once I had finally calmed down, an overwhelming sense of depression and self-hatred and “who cares” settled over me…and then numbness.  Like I had sat on my brain and it was asleep.  I made it through the other two groups, but don’t really recall what was said. 

It went that way through my appointment with J (my new therapist at the center, who I have not decided on a name for yet).  She was concerned about my high numbers on my diary cards.  I told her that has been the status quo for the last few months and that there was nothing to worry about, that I wasn’t about to jump off a bridge, that’s just how it is. 

We talked about some other stuff, about how I can cope in group, etc.  She talked about whether or not I wanted to stay in the program (although I made it clear that I did), since it seemed so traumatizing, but then again, that’s a normal response for someone who has been feeling this way for awhile.  So what are you trying to say, J?  WTF.

I then grabbed some food and waited in my car for my appointment with Goddess of Mindfulness at 2:30 p.m.  By the time the appointment rolled around, I was feeling very low, below depressed.  Talked with GoM about my appointment with J and about my drama during group.  She encouraged me to start taking my Klonopin, which I am really bad about.  We are meeting again on Monday. 

No work for next week.  Doctor’s orders.  I don’t think I COULD work, if they wanted me to, but it doesn’t relieve me not to have to work…it just makes me think…another week…of this same hell.  Thinking, thinking, thinking. 

I’m just going to keep on keeping on, because that’s what they tell me to do.

Here’s another James Blunt favorite for you, Jody…

James Blunt High