Thursday, May 8, 2008 7:30 a.m.
Head spinning, chest tightening, walls closing in, and all those DAMN THOUGHTS racing through my mind. 24/7. My upswing has turned into a mixed episode. Not only am I totally revved (and irritable), I also feel like drinking bleach crap. How lovely is that?
Yesterday afternoon went just fine, other than being manicky-out-of-my-mind hyped-up. I visited Dad and ate some really yummy Indian food, that I can’t remember what is called, but is basically spinach and chickpeas in a spicy sauce over rice. Very yum. We had a nice chat and
I even brought Kizzie with me, which shows Dad’s increasing tolerance toward animals. He even let her get up in his lap, but, sadly enough, wouldn’t let Kizzie kiss him. I’m pretty sure she got over it, though, because she kept coming up to get petted. AND HE ACTUALLY PETTED HER. We’re talking big progress, man.
Kizzie and I then went to visit Grandma, which went well. It was easier visiting with the dog around, for some reason. Grandma loves that dog, which is also strange because she has always claimed to not like dogs. It’s pretty funny…she acts all scared when Kizz hops on her lap and licks her, but she really loves that dog and I think she secretly wishes that Kizzie would come visit her more often.
After all my afternoon visiting, I came home and puttered around for an hour while Kizzie slept (hey, visiting is hard work and we were at it for over four hours). I then went to Mom’s to pick up some checks, put gas in my car, and chat for a bit. It was pretty wild and crazy over there, what with DHut being DHut, Mom being Mom, and me being manic. We were quite a trio.
I called Curly Snap on my way home, because I have kind of been avoiding her, and we talked for almost two and a half hours. The only reason we got off the phone is because mine went dead. She’s a good friend, good listener, and is funny as hell. I even helped her out a little bit and gave some good unsolicited advice, which I learned how to do at the foot of the master(s), Mom, Grandma, DHut, Dad…um, yeah, pretty much everyone…I think it runs in the family.
I then briefly talked to Malcom after I got home from work. He is working some different hours now until his back is better and when he goes back regular, he will be promoted to a position where he can be a computer geek and play with numbers all day. He’s pretty thrilled about it. My nerd, I love you dear. 
I actually slept some last night. Not a lot, but enough to keep me going. Which is good, because I have big plans for the day…which I know possibly won’t get done. The plan is to go to IOP, then therapy (those two I know I will do), then go to _______________ for Mom’s Mother’s Day present, and then come home and do who knows what. We’ll see what the day brings. Maybe a trip to the library (sorry Mom, li-berry).
A rocking “I’m crazy” song for the day…Pink…Just Like a Pill:
One question I always ask someone when they first come to my support group is do they ever have any sort of warning signs that something is about to come on. If they do, can they ever do anything to stop it? I can always sense when my depression is coming on. I then have a very short window; minutes or seconds in which I can do something. Sometimes I can stop it from coming on.
One thing I notice is people with BP disorder is that they are easily set off by stimulus. I have seen instances where people will be manic and they will go for whatever stimulus is there to keep that manic high going. I have often told people that if they have a hard time keeping their BP in check then they really need to limit the stimulus in their life.
I once met someone who was quite good at using structure to keep their BP in check. They reminded me of someone I knew who survived medical school by living their live by a very set schedule. They told me that they could get set off very easily, so they made a point to limit the amount of time that they would put into most activities. After a couple of hours, that was it. They would stop whatever they were doing. Even if they were in a work groove, after two hours it was always break time. They liked music and they liked to dance. But they always limited the amount of music. As for dancing, they would go out for two hours, say 8 p.m. to 10p.m, and when 10 p.m. rolled around, they always went home.
Just a thought, but you had an awful lot of stimulus yesterday, and all of the visits and conversations were helping key you up. That was always the strange thing about BP, you have to watch it on both ends, and feeling good is not always a good thing.
When I used to have my panic attacks it seemed that the only thing that would bring me out of them was walking. I was moving and I was in control. I set the pace and direction. I rarely get them these days except for when work starts to get very stressful. Then I tell myself that I should go out for a walk every day.
Pasha