Sunday, May 11, 2008 8:55 a.m.
Okay, so maybe the word “cures” is a little strong, but being here at Mom and DHut’s is like practicing distraction techniques all day long. It’s not so great when they’re not here. I spent yesterday afternoon by myself and went to Dad’s very briefly and felt pretty shitty until they got home. And then the games began.
Between Mom and DHut, they are keeping me pretty entertained. DHut has a very goofy sense of humor and sometimes he can really get on a rip.
And then there was Mom this morning. I got up around 6:45 and Mom had already been up since around 5:15 and she was, um, raring to go. She was listening to YouTube American Idol crap and singing along. And then she put on Amy Winehouse…and she kept singing “And I said no, no, no” to everything I said.
Mom + caffeine = giddy
We are on our third pot of coffee. Things might be a little whacky today.
So I have now been with Mom and DHut for almost the past 24 hours. Do I feel better? A little. I at least feel safe here, and I had a good night’s sleep because Mom put Quaaludes in my Fresca sleeping here is always easier than sleeping at home. I plan on spending enough time here to get my sleeping back on track and until I feel safe enough to trust myself at home alone.
Mom and DHut have been great and really supportive. Sometimes I have a hard time interacting, but even just listening to them talk about day-to-day stuff and not really jumping in the conversation seems to help. Just like Pasha says…just be around people, even if you don’t have to interact. Wise advice.
The dogs are all having a great time. Not only does Mom have two dogs, Lucy and Gracie (both poodles, Lucy being a standard and Gracie being a miniature), but she is dogsitting Bella (a wheaten terrier) for my sister and her boyfriend (who are off living it up in Germany). They can all get pretty wild and crazy together and it really gives me a sense of satisfaction to see Kizzie so happy and getting the play-time that she really needs that I haven’t been able to give her much of lately.
Another bonus to staying at Mom’s — the food. I baked her a New York cheesecake from scratch yesterday for Mother’s Day, my gift to her since I am pretty much unable to go anywhere and money is tight since I am not working…and because it is her all-time favorite dessert. We had Papa Murphy’s pizza for dinner last night (YUMMM!!) and I’m getting ready to whip up some French toast, sausage, and eggs. Then for dinner to night, we are grilling steaks and I am making twice-baked potatoes and wilted lettuce. All of Mom’s favorites, and I’d have to say that a lot of it ranks among my favorites, as well.
Being here just makes me feel more human, or something. It distracts me from all the crap in my head, because Mom and DHut are very talkative, on-the-go, task-oriented people. As long as they are here, I am entertained and it’s like watching a funny TV show. When they go, I revert back to feeling like crap, but they are here for the most part (at least over the weekend) and it really helps.
Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms out there. Especially to mine…best Mom anyone could ask for. MTLI, Madre. Your favorite song of the moment…
Amy Winehouse, Rehab.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY also to my sister, Ab. Drink a few for me tonight, sissy. 
The Beatles, Happy Birthday
I tend to be a loner, and I find that the more time I spend by myself, the more my mind will start to play with me. It is OK to be by yourself if you can take care of yourself; if you have interests; if you can enjoy life. If you are unable to do those then you need to be around people.
Depression makes me implode into myself, and that switch can go off at any time. I have gone through many long downturns, and they seem to leave a residual, a general sense of discomfort. That discomfort makes me want to withdraw, and then I will implode again.
Somehow, we all have to find a way to stay connected to life. That can slow and even stop that process of imploding. One of the ways to stay connected is to be around and interact with people.
One day I was at an Italian cafe that I frequent. I struck up a conversation with a young woman who had come there for the French club, but it only meets every other week. She had spent a semester going to school in France. We talked a bit about Europe, and I could feel that switch go off in my mind, and that slow tumbling sensation began to come on. I focused on the conversation to push back against the depression. The conversation meandered and she asked me where my favorite place was, and I said Venice. I then proceeded to describe it, how it seemed like it was another world. She then said to me, “You have been so many places, you have done many things”, and the switch went off. I could feel that the tumbling sensation was going away.
On one hand you could say that the interaction did trigger the depression, but it also made it go away. I focused on the conversation, and when I was asked about something, it brought back some very fond memories. I can still remember my first evening in Venice. Sitting in a cafe near the water, sipping on my glass of wine and nibbling on a seafood salad, watching the lights on the boats drift on by.
Simple little conversations can keep us connected to every day life. They can remind us that we can enjoy life, and that maybe if we can work a little harder, we can enjoy life even more.
Pasha
The weekend’s over and how are you holding up now?
Pasha