Hugging Trees…Literally

Friday, June 13, 2008

This whole actually living my life instead of avoiding it is keeping me really busy, hence no daily blog.  That and I have totally been out of my morning routine because…GASP…I’m actually sleeping.  Sleeping LATE…like 6:30 a.m. or 6:45 a.m.  Much better than 5:30 a.m.  And being active and actually awake for my entire day makes me so tired that I have not needed my sleeping meds.  How awesome is that?

My mood is still good.  I do have my moments of sadness, but they are less frequent.  For the most part, I feel positive and I think a lot of that is due to a) using my DBT skills, b) spending time with friends and being active, and c) med changes.  I know all of the above have helped with sleep.  I still really struggle with anxiety sometimes, but have been trying to take less Klonopin and use more soothing skills.  And I am no longer taking Klonopin as scheduled, which is how my old Pdoc had me taking it.  I’m taking it WHEN I NEED IT…and preferably a little bit before I do something that I know is going to make me anxious. 

I think the med changes have made a big contribution.  I was definitely overmedicated before and I think that screwed with my sleep, with my physical health, and my general state of mind.  I was blunted and I really feel ALIVE now.  Not manic, not hypomanic, but just clearer somehow…in my thinking, in my mood, in my mindfulness.  I would suggest to anyone with depression and anxiety (or bipolar or PTSD or panic attacks, for that matter) that they take DBT courses of some sort.  Or at least pick up a book about it.  It is amazing how much these skills have helped me to improve my life. 

But like I said, it’s not perfect.  I’m coming to realize that things don’t have to be perfect.  They don’t have to be “just so.”  Yes, I still prefer to have extreme order in my house and in my life, but doing the spontaneous occasionally (and I do mean, seriously, moderation is key) makes life more interesting.  Another key is just being willing.  Yes, you will feel like shit.  It can change. 

Med changes, social interaction, avoiding toxic people, setting boundaries, and just not WALLOWING IN THE SHIT seem to help.  I don’t think I could have done any of the above without DBT.  Of course it is not a cure-all, but it has genuinely given me skills that I use in almost any situation in life.

I have lived my life as a grumpy hermit for most of it.  No friends, no social life, no interaction.  I wouldn’t even make eye contact with cashiers at grocery stores, wouldn’t go sit somewhere and have coffee, wouldn’t do a damn thing except stay in my house, talk on the phone to Malcom and my parents, and occasionally go over to my parents’ respective houses.  I have come to realize that this is not living, it is existing. 

It’s funny that after serious introspection (which takes time, time, and more time…and practice…all the time), you have these epiphanies that you can change your life.  You can make better decisions.  You can pinpoint better what makes you feel like shit, and you learn how to pull yourself out of it. 

I am still definitely having mini pity-parties, but I find that it’s better to “turn my mind” (DBT term) and focus on something else.  Self-soothe, sacred self, distract skills, interpersonal effectiveness skills, radical acceptance, and let’s not forget the biggest one…MINDFULNESS.  Live in the moment. 

I realize this entire blog sounds like one big pep talk and it may seem amazing to be coming from me, but, dammit, I FEEL BETTER.  I have lived my life thinking things would never get better.  But they can.  And they will.  It’s all about pulling yourself out of the shit, even for the shortest while, and working on something.  Something small.  Something that might seem trivial.  All of those small things make all the difference.  They add up to a lot of big changes over time. 

The keys:

1)  Willingness, not willfulness.  Stop fighting, struggling.  If you’re in water and you struggle, you drown.  If you float, you live. 

2)  Mindfulness.  Be aware of every emotion, sit with it, let it go.  Meditate.  Focus, focus, focus on the moment.

3)  Interpersonal Effectiveness.  Learn how to set boundaries and keep toxic relationships at bay.  Improve existing relationships by communicating more effectively. 

4)  Have a grudge against someone, hate them, resent them?  Try my mantra…”may you be happy, may you be at peace, may you be protected.”  This is my version of the loving kindness meditation.  Hate yourself?  Direct the words toward yourself. 

5)  Balanced sleep and balanced eating.  ‘Nuff said.  Do what it takes to get there.  Talk to your Pdoc, your therapist, anyone.  Just get it taken care of.

6)  Build structure.  Stay busy.  Get out of bed and do something.  Don’t feel like it?  To borrow a saying from a 12-step program…fake it until you make it.  Again, be willing. 

Okay, so I’m getting off my soapbox.  This is just what has helped me.  To live a new life.  A good life.  Yes,  there will be ups and downs (kind of like the sine wave, right Pasha?  Or maybe it was cosine).  I now have the skills to keep the ups and downs from being so severe, so intense.  And I have the ability to pull myself out of the shit. 

Keep in mind that it has taken me several years of therapy and almost two months of intensive DBT to get here.  I just want to stay.  And I will. 

The willingness exercise that turned my mind?  J made me hug a tree.  Literally.  Sounds dumb, try it anyway.  That’s what willingness is all about. 

Get out there and hug a tree.  Just because I said so, because it might help, because it’s trying something you’ve never tried before. 

Tell it like it is…Jack Ingram, Love You