Tags
ambivalence, death, employment, grandparents, grief, loss, supervision, work
The past few weeks have been both amazing and trying. I have found that I have much less anxiety with being in a different office than my supervisor, and she supervising me from a distance. What is clear, however, is that she clearly feels wronged that I went to her supervisor with my concerns, and she now does not give a damn about what I do to an extent. What is also clear is that I really need to mind my “P’s and Q’s,” because she is a vengeful person and I have no doubt that she will throw me under the bus at any moment.
So, the anxiety is still there. She is basically ignoring me, which I suppose is fine, but it makes for very uncomfortable exchanges between the two of us. Or, rather, very uncomfortable when I attempt to tell her anything and she ignores me. It doesn’t seem to matter what I say, her answer is “Ok.” Nothing more than an “ok.” Well whatever. I wish I didn’t care so much, but I do. This is painful.
To some degree, I regret going to her supervisor because it has made her swing her attitude even further against me, but at least now I have my own office and am not stuck in that hell-hole with her and my other two negative co-workers. I trust about 1.5 people in the whole facility, and a few at Central Office. It is difficult not to have a go-to person when I am having a problem, because I sure don’t feel like I can bring anything to my direct supervisor and she has discouraged me from contacting anyone else. In a way it is still a very negative work experience, and I guess I should just get a thicker skin, and realize that there will be no pleasing her, no returning to the easy relationship that we once shared. In some ways, I am grieving that loss and dealing with my own issues about wanting to please everyone. I just don’t understand why people (myself and her included) can’t just get along. I really don’t.
In other crap news, my Grandma died yesterday. It hasn’t fully hit me yet, but I know it will. Right now, I am just feeling guilty because I haven’t seen her since this past Spring, even though we live in the same town. After my Grandpa died in 2004, it was all I could to to bring myself to visit Grandma. I was so angry at her for such a long time and then felt nothing toward her. No sense of obligation, no sense of love, nothing. As QoB said last night, her death is somewhat the loss of what could-have-been. That desire for acceptance never faded, but it seems that I lost that from her a long time ago. Now, there is no going back and trying again. In some ways I care about that, in some ways I don’t (at least not right at the moment). I think what I am struggling with most right now is my complete ambivalence about her death. It’s difficult to think that I cared so little that I don’t have an opinion or a feeling about her passing.
The Wallflowers, I Wish I Felt Nothing
I am really sorry to hear about your grandmother. Hang in there spring is just around the corner.
Job situations can be rough at times. There can be a lot of negativity and tha sort of thing is very contagious. There is also the problem of fitting in. The instinctive way to deal with negativity is to pull back from it. Other people can and do realize when you are doing it. If those negative people have a good relationship with your supervisor it can really make things rough.
I personally believe that you did the right thing by going over your supervisor. The problem you can then run into is blowback. They can make your life miserable. Yes you have to mind your “P’s and Q’s”. Then you can run into the problem in how long can you continue to do that?
Somehow you have to find a way to separate your personal life from your work life. You live and work for your personal life. Your work life is your means for doing that. You can deal with your work life if there is a payoff in your personal life.
I can understand your guilt regarding your grandmother. Your mother’s comment about that loss of what could have been is a good one. We all want acceptance from the people around us. Unfortunately that acceptance can come at a cost, and sometimes that cost is just not worth it. You put up distance for your own good. Yes you could have tried to be closer but was that even possible? Those feelings of “what if” are going to be there for a while. It is just part of grieving.