TOP FIVE REASONS I’M RETURNING TO WORK TODAY:
1) I didn’t go yesterday and have lots of shit to catch up on.
2) I feel the need to be productive, rather than wallow in pre-pneumonia and depression.
3) I can’t wait to tell my co-workers about Demanda’s early morning phone call.
4) I don’t want to get fired because I don’t want to live in a cardboard box under the bridge.
5) Missing too much time at work is like volunteering for a colonoscopy — it’s necessary sometimes, painless during the procedure, but you feel like someone shoved a giant probe up your ass for days afterwards.
I can’t wait to listen to my voicemails and check all my emails. Lots of interesting shit always pops up when I’m gone. If I’m really lucky, no one was fired or fell off the wagon in the 24 hours I’ve been away.