Dear Sugar —
I am leaving you for a healthier version. Splenda and I are running away together, along with whole grains, complex carbohydrates, and naturally sweetened foods. I will also be leaving high-fructose corn syrup and simple carbohydrates in your care and will not be coming by to visit them.
I have been good to you over the last six months. I have consumed you several times daily and have been obsessed with many of your products.
You have not returned the favor. You have made me fat and made me spend every waking moment thinking of how I can fit you into my schedule. You hide in the funniest places, like my “light” yogurt, my favorite bread, potatoes, certain vegetables, and other simple carbohydrates. You thought I didn’t know, but I have seen the light.
While I will miss you and remember fondly our memories (Sonic Blasts, Krispy Kreme donuts, Ben and Jerry’s, cookies, brownies, candy bars, and many others), I must say goodbye.
My doctor tells me that I must lose weight and I know that I cannot do it with you in my life, pushing your fattening-self onto me daily. You are addictive, a drug even. I have turned to you when times were bad.
So I say no, no, no. No to daily trips to Sonic…no to Saturday morning donuts…no to stress-relieving Ben and Jerry’s. I will also seek you out and hunt you down in other seemingly harmless forms, like peanut butter, baked goods, and flour-based pasta.
As my final ode to you, I will eat one last Krispy Kreme, and you will not see me again for awhile. I may revisit you when my doctor says it is okay, but it is also possible that we must part for life. I do not want to die.
Very truly yours,
Sexy Fat Girl