External v. Internal Motivation

This first part might be redundant, as I believe I talked about it in a previous entry.  I would just like to point out the differences between external and internal motivation again and how it applies to my current situation: 

The Goddess of Mindfulness and I talked about a week ago about internal and external motivation.  At the time, I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t stick to a diet, quit smoking, and start exercising.  

My doctor had told me that I needed to do the above, my family has made it clear, with some subtelty, that I need to change, that they are worried about my health.  I, on the other hand, have been ambivalent about it all, and couldn’t really pinpoint why.

Goddess of Mindfulness pointed out that one of the major reasons that people change is that they change when they feel INTERALLY motivated.  EXTERNAL motivation (in other words, advice from a doctor, family, friends, etc) is not altogether motivating and can have adverse effects (feeling guilty, like you are letting others down, etc.), which makes you feel even less interally motivated to change. 

I have been using visualization and mindfulness exercises to try and motivate myself to change, because I do experience passing thoughts such as “wow, I need to get back on the ball” or the feeling of being unhealthy when I am unable to complete a task that I could complete when I was not smoking and weighing less.  I have been trying to focus on these moments and use them to find internal motivation to change.  As best as I can tell, it is working…somewhat. 

I have a contract with a family of a friend to check in one of her client’s daily.  I have been doing this for 3+ years, and frankly, I’m sick of it and was somewhat relieved when he fired me for being human “inconsistent.” 

The only problem is that I really need the money and I’m not sure I can come up with the $300 a month to make up for it.  I am fairly certain that we can work something out.  But you know, I just don’t want to.  On the other hand, I really can’t afford not to. 

I suppose I can stick it out until I move to Arizona, which couldn’t happen soon enough.  Malcom and I have our dreams and schemes and I know that will come soon enough.  He is working hard to save money and I am working to not over-spend.  That’s all you can do and sometimes, as with this client, you have to take one for the team.  So that’s what I’m doing.

I go back to work tomorrow after four days off.  The basketball tournament was very entertaining, though neither our men’s or women’s teams made it to the finals.  All of the games we saw were very close and intense, so it made for a good time.  It was nice to spend time with Dad and I have to say that we get along so much better than we used to.  Not perfectly, but better.

My poor doggie has been feeling somewhat ignored.  I’ve really only been home to sleep for the past four days and now all I want to do is stay at home with my Kizz.  However, I am both internally and externally motivated to go to work. 

Speaking of internal and external motivation, I’m going to try and be healthy once again.  Get back on track.  I know in my mind that I need to do this, but sometimes my heart just isn’t in it.  Then again, sometimes we have to do things even when our heart isn’t in it because it just makes sense. 

My sleep schedule is obviously screwed up due to the time-change and the past four nights of being out of my sleeping routine.  I’m hoping I can overcome that soon and be back to getting to bed at a decent time and waking up on time to get to work by 8:00 a.m. or earlier.  I am internally motivated to do this because I want to keep my job…so I can move…so I can afford to feed my dog…so I don’t have to live under the bridge in a cardboard box.

Light a candle for the patron saint of change, because I know I need to.  Send good vibes my way that make me want to change instead of just existing in the status quo. 

Change is just around the bend. 

I hope.


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