I spent most of the day, struggling at first to get my body and mind to sleep, and then going to work and struggling to keep it
from beating the shit out of someone together.
When I have gone for an extended period without sleep, I feel a buzzing in my head. Not that, “oh, I just had a beer” buzz. It’s a fuzzy, buzzy feeling, and its almost as if there are cotton balls stuffed in my ears. I don’t really hear what people are saying. My reflexes are delayed. What I would normally say in response to others turns into pretending not to hear. As a whole, I feel like someone could touch their finger to my skin and my body would literally crumble into a pile of rubble…or that it would tear me in half, break me.
There is that fear that I will go for days like this. That I will lose sleep and lose all sense of time. That I will remain unaware of what is going on around me. That I will feel like crying and screaming and hitting the wall until my knuckles bleed all at the same time.
When I came home from work, I was very worked up and upset. Perhaps because my supervisor made it clear that, like people who stay up all night with children, I should come into work no matter what and that lack of sleep was no reason to call in.
What happened to reasonable accomodations? Maybe I’m just
on crack mistaken about the ADA or maybe I’m just mad because she compared a symptom of my mental illness to having a kid.
My coworkers (and my supervisor) have no problem taking time off without a moment’s notice if they have to go do something with their kids.
I suppose that in order to get the reasonable accomodations I need to do my job, I need to pop out a kid. Don’t think so.
I finally made it home after going to
Hell Walgreens to pick up some medication that I have been out of. I came home and took some, played with the dog a few minutes, and fell dead asleep on the couch for two hours.
I’m hoping for more tonight. I’m not sure I can face the world in the morning after another night of no sleep without
punching someone in the face eating at least three Oatmeal Creme Pies.