Humpty Dumpty Fell Off the Wall

My dog is sleeping in my bed.  She looks peaceful, even though she has been on a tear all day.  And here I am, up in the middle of the night, typing away because there is no one to talk to right now. 

My house is a safe place and it is the only place I want to be.  I went to my mom’s last night.  I felt okay for awhile there, but then I didn’t.  And I had to leave.  I went to therapy today and made plans.  Those plans made me feel better for awhile, but now I don’t feel okay.  My other attempt at being “out” in the world ended in a panic attack, stranding me 30 minutes from home, on a trip to buy cigarettes. 

Other than those places, I have not left home since Wednesday when I came home from work.  The thought of going somewhere, of interacting, is painful and terrifying.  Every word, every action and non-action, every look tells me I am not safe.  I don’t know this because I see and hear.  I just know. 

The only comfort I have right now is that I have a plan. 

I will be taking a leave of absence from work and going outpatient, hopefully at the place my therapist wants me to go.  She says I cannot work next week and I have already talked to my supervisor. 

The goal is to eventually go back to work part-time in the afternoons after I go to the day program in the morning.   

I will hopefully be meeting with a psychiatrist or ARNP that will work with me on changing my medication. 

Between the day program and more therapy sessions, maybe I can function again.  Right now I can’t even bring myself to go to the grocery store for coffee and creamer. 

And I can’t sleep.  And those few hours I do sleep are horrible.  And there is that ever-lingering feeling of ICK.  And depression.  And hating myself.  And anxiety…always anxiety. 

My other comfort…that I will be with Malcom soon…somewhere toward the end of June, we hope.  He is my saving grace. 

I may not post much for awhile, or I may post a lot.  I’m not sure yet.  I can’t post a lot of what is in my head, because it is not fit for reading. 

Hopefully I can post and say that I feel better.


2 thoughts on “Humpty Dumpty Fell Off the Wall

  1. Rose;
    I have no blog (no time as I am in college right now). I do follow yours. You are a hero to me. You go through so much and have to take so many pills…I am sad that your struggle has gotten worse lately. I hope the day program helps. Helps a lot.
    I am familiar with dealing with depression and anxiety and how hard those things are. Now I am doing well, but find myself always watching the rug under my feet for fear it will be pulled out at any moment and I will fall flat on my ass again.
    I am studying social work and so when you talk about the people you deal with I feel like I can relate. I look forward to getting out of school and working full time so I can name my co-workers.
    You have a lot of strength. You can still write hear during your darkest times. Your sense of humor is there when most would find nothing funny. You look forward to life and deserve all the good things.
    I feel a bit uncomfortable putting my info out here like this, but if you’d contact me (if ya wanna) I would enjoy communicating with you. I am picky about who I share my time with (another compliment) so…an option. We can always through each other to the spam wolves.
    Hope to hear from you.
    guess my name is too late to get cutsy about . Jody


  2. Jody —

    Thanks for the great comment. It’s always nice to know that my blog is helping someone. I’ll be in touch via email. Just so you know, your address does not show up on the site for just anyone to see. Promise I won’t throw you to the smam wolves. 🙂



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