Elephant on My Chest

Same old crap, just like every other night.  Sleeping briefly, only to wake up and live a nightmare.  Instead of just getting up and drinking a glass of warm milk (eww DHut) and going back to bed, I give up and get up for the day.  I just don’t feel like it is worth putting my mind and heart through to go through the same thing over and over again.  Hence, little to no sleep. 

Isn’t it funny though, that dreams happen during the REM cycle, which is supposed to be the most restful sleep?  So, these nightmares are happening during my “most restful sleep” time, and I have these nightmares all night long, hence being in the REM cycle all night.  You would think that I would wake up feeling rested.  Apparently it doesn’t work that way.  Something to ask the psychiatrist about. 

Speaking of which, I am hopefully ridding myself of Dr. Rx and finding a new med treater at the day treatment program that I will hopefully, fingers crossed, be accepted into.  It would be nice to have someone that a) keeps appointments, b) actually listens, c) does not try to delve into areas that she knows nothing about, and d) substitutes one drug for another instead of just adding, adding, adding.   

My goal is to cut back the number of medicines I am taking and find just a couple that are effective.  Maybe that way I can save my liver and kidneys and live to be 150 years old, just like Malcom says we will.  Okay, yeah, he watches a lot of documentaries.  And he’s a nerd like that, but such a loveable nerd. 

I am now officially obsessed with YouTube.  It’s not as good as having the actual music downloaded onto my computer, but I have bookmarked some of my favorite songs and just listen to them that way.  I didn’t know it, but I am a pretty big James Blunt fan and might even have to break down and buy one of his CD’s. 

My favorite to date:

UPDATE — Thanks to pKay for telling me how to embed YouTube videos.  If someone can tell me how to name a link that you can just click that has the title on it instead of putting the whole ugly link in, that would be appreciated.  🙂

I have spent the morning catching up on the blogs that I read regularly and leaving what I hope are semi-coherent comments, given that I am running on fumes at this point.  It is so interesting what some people choose to write about, and what you can tell they are leaving out of the story.  I know that I do the same thing…just interesting. 

My two goals for the day are to get a start date for the day treatment program and to do some yardwork.  Oh, and to get some gas for the car and the mower.  Thankfully Mom has agreed to go with me to the gas station, because if I was able to go by myself, I would.  I feel like such a damned pussy not being able to do these things for myself.  At least I have Mom to help me.  And she doesn’t make a big deal out of it, which is nice.  I don’t need someone to tell me what a failure in life I am because I feel that way all on my own. 

I don’t know how to describe this inability to go anywhere except home, therapy, and Mom and DHut’s.  I feel anxious even right now thinking about going somewhere else by myself, or even with someone.  How is it that I turned into a friggin’ agoraphobic overnight?  Little bit of hypervigilance running through the system, perhaps?  Resulting in fear and anxiety.

Oh, and that elephant jumping around in my chest cavity. 


3 thoughts on “Elephant on My Chest

  1. Sorry to hear about the bad dreams :(…. Funny thing dreams are, we learnt in psychology 101 that we actually have several dreams troughout the night but we only remember the latest one (right after wakign up)…. hence waking up in the middle of a nightmare gives you a very vivid account of the nightmare… having slept right through it might have made you forget it (but of course its not as if you want to wake up in the middle of it!!)

    Anyway, your doctor probably already told you this so ill shutup now!!

    To put links in your blog without posting the entire code you have to type in the word you want to be linked,highlight it, then click on that icon that looks like a “metal chain” and you should be able to put in any link you want. For you tube videos you can actually put them up so people can play them on the blog instead of going to youtube. You have to click another button for that as well 😀

    Anywho, have a good day!


  2. Thanks, pKay for telling me how to do links and YouTube. It’s probably a lot less annoying now for people to view the blog and not have to be redirected to another site. And actually, I hadn’t had time to talk to a Pdoc about the dreams yet, but you have a point and I didn’t think about it.

    Many thanks


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