You’re Still Here

Post will be short today.  Which may be okay, because I know I can get a bit long-winded at times. 

I felt really bad yesterday evening.  The only thing that made it better was talking to Malcom.  Even when we’re not talking about anything important, and he is just telling me about something he saw on the news, heard on the radio, read in the paper, or a TV program he saw, his words are a comfort.  Just hearing his voice, no matter what he is saying, makes me feel better.  I am lucky to have him. 

This is for you…Everything by Alanis Morisette

I start IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) today in the city.  I feel like I’m going to throw up my peanut butter toast with the thought of interacting, of talking, of hearing.  But I’m going to do it anyway.  My life has to change if I am going to survive. 

And my main goal is to be able to go to my sister’s grad school hooding ceremony toward the end of May, and hopefully this program will help me do that.  If I am unable to go, I will have failed. 

I am not going to say that I’m going to cut the grass today, or pot plants, or weed-whip, or do anything other than go to IOP, because I don’t want to let myself down if I don’t do it.  My goal is to get through my day in any way I can. 

My sleep was off and on again last night.  I’m to that point of exhaustion where I am able to catch a few hours here and there.  I have stopped hoping to sleep for more than two hours straight and I have stopped hoping that I will wake up nightmare-free.  At this point, I will take what I can get and the four hours that I slept last night will take me through the day.

I wish I could post something really terrifically funny, but nothing much funny has happened lately, and even if it had, I’m not sure I would recognize it.  Mom went with me to my intake yesterday and was acting goofy, trying to get me to smile, and she did get a chuckle or two out of me. 

But that’s because she’s my mom, and she knows what to say.  What’s funny and what isn’t funny.  Sometimes it’s hit or miss, and sometimes I get annoyed when she acts too goofy, but yesterday it was appreciated. 

Thank you, Mom. 


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