Human Again?

Two nights in a row now, I have slept almost seven hours (each night).  Nightmares have been limited and I would like to point out that on both of these nights, I was not taking two of the sleeping meds (because my new Pdoc discontinued them) that Dr. Rx had me on.  I think it likely has to do with two things:

1) I am working on my trauma.

2) I finally exhausted myself to the point where sleep was inevitable.

Whatever the reason, I am grateful to the sleep gods or whomever is responsible for this gift.  I do not expect it to last, but you never know.  It is amazing how much clearer I am thinking now, how much less on edge I feel, how two nights of sleep have given me a better outlook on life.

Am I still depressed, anxious, etc?  Of course.  I don’t/didn’t expect that to go away overnight, if at all.  The intensity of those feelings has decreased, however, and I am feeling close to human again instead of crazy out of my mind talking to myself psycho.

I want to thank everyone who has been supportive and sending good vibes about my sleep issues.  Maybe all of the good juju (as Jody puts it) is the cause of my ability to finally get some rest.  Keep it coming.  I have a lot of catching up to do in the sleep arena.

Group yesterday was actually tolerable.  Not pleasant, still anxiety-provoking, depressing, and difficult, but tolerable.  I followed Goddess of Mindfulness’s advice to take some Klonopin, because, DUH, I was feeling severely anxious all of the time.  Between a little bit of sleep, and a little bit of Klonopin before and during group, I was actually able to fill out my diary card better and get some of my questions answered. 

It probably didn’t hurt that it was a really small group yesterday, and some of the more negative people (Bridge, for one) were not there.  There was just less drama, which was helpful.  I know it won’t be that way for every group, and even without all of the drama and Klonopin, the anxiety was still almost unbearable at times, but I made it through without feeling like running my car into a retaining wall after I left.  And I actually feel like I got something out of group.  That’s progress, right?

My anxiety was heightened, however, when I had to do my IOP intake (which apparently is different than the intake that J did last Tuesday, although it asked many of the same questions) and go through my history.  Thankfully, I was able to do it with a different therapist and she made things go easier than J did previously. 

So, when I went out to my car to drive back to town, I took some more Klonopin and called Malcom and Mom.  And felt better to the point that I could get myself home and feel like I could be semi-productive, even though the morning was still fairly anxiety-provoking and ick…but I’ve come to expect that.  It was definitely to a lesser degree than on Wednesday or Thursday.  Progress.  HALLELUJAH!

I spent yesterday afternoon puttering around the house, tidying up here and there, talking to Malcom, doing laundry, and taking care of little things that I have been avoiding doing. 

Curly Snap came by and brought me some paperwork that I need to get in (I am still not released to go to work next week) and we chatted for a bit.  It was nice to talk to her, because we actually had a conversation that wasn’t centered on me and how I am doing.  She told me funny stories from work and all about the drama that has been going on.  It was fairly entertaining, but after about fifteen minutes I was ready for her to go.  Which she did, because I think she sensed that I was tensing up, getting anxious, etc. 

After visiting with Curly Snap and getting my house somewhat back in order, I laid down around 6:30 p.m., thinking that I would nap until around 7:30, but I ended up waking up around 8:45 p.m.  Another two hours (and fifteen minutes) of sleep.  PROGRESS!!!

I’m not sure what all I’m going to do today.  Even though I really don’t want to, and I know it will make me feel anxious, I think I need to go see my Grandma.  It has been awhile since I have been over, and actually a pretty long time since I have talked to her on the phone even. 

Mom reports that she keeps asking about me, but Mom hasn’t told her about my leave of absence from work or the fact that I am doing IOP.  I likely won’t tell her about IOP, but I’ll tell her I’m taking a break from work and that I’ve been struggling a bit.  While I don’t want to outright lie to her, I also don’t want her to worry too much and she really doesn’t understand just how bad things are. 

I’m also determined to get my lawn mowed today.  If the only two things I accomplish today are seeing Grandma and getting my lawn mowed, I will be satisfied.  It may take some Klonopin to get there, but, as Grandma says…

“Gotta do what you’ve gotta do to survive.”

My favorite version of I Will Survive (by Cake)…no offense to Gloria Gaynor.


One thought on “Human Again?

  1. It is good to see that you had a good day. Good sleep is always refreshing. I think that many of us who deal with depression, bipolar disorder, or some other mental illness are always sleep deprived. We may sleep, but it is never restful sleep. Our minds stay groggy and we have no energy.

    The day at the IOP went well due to a combination of things. You had some very good sleep and your mind got some rest. The Klonopin helped you keep your anxiety under control. You also did not have to deal with the negative people in your group. It is sad that one person’s negativity can change the tone for a group of people for an entire day.

    One of the ways that I have coped with my depression is to keep those little things of daily life part of your life. They become part of the rhythm of your daily life and they help you keep that rhythm going. Some little thing such as doing some laundry, going through and throwing out a stack of newspapers are accomplishments. We tend to forget that all of these accomplishments are a way to counter the negativity that clicks on in our minds. They are a way of telling us that we can get things done, that we are competent, that we are not stupid, that we can take care of ourselves. If you can keep some of those things in your life they can put a floor under your depression. I would much rather be functionally depressed than fully incapacitated depressed.

    Just keep doing whatever you are doing.



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