The past few days since I have blogged have ticked by slowly in a nearly unbearable state of depression. I did go to group all week, which is something. I was there, but I wasn’t there. My every move was an effort, and I spent more time in bed than not.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to do. My yard needs work, there is laundry to be done, posts and emails to write, personal hygiene that needs to be taken care of, and just everyday life to live. I have been doing the bare minimum. I just can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of gloom and self-hatred and apathy.
I am making myself post today because it usually makes me feel a little better and so those who read my blog and don’t talk to me often know that I am still alive. I’m hanging on, hanging in. I’m doing what I’m “supposed to do,” in a way. Going to group, going to therapy. I suppose I could take everybody’s advice and exercise or find a hobby or do something positive for myself. But when I am this depressed, there is no doing any of that. It’s hard enough to keep up with the status quo.
It’s like I am treading water and am finding it hard to keep my head above the water. Just long enough to get a life-saving breath before I go under again.
Small things help in the moment, but the big picture is bleak. I am working on building structure…going to visit Mom and DHut, Dad, etc. I feel better for a little while afterwards, but I leave drained and that drained feeling turns into even more depression, and I’m back in bed again.
I have a bachelor’s degree in psychology, have worked since 2003 in the mental health field, and have had plenty of therapy. I KNOW what would supposedly help. There is a big difference between knowing and doing. Kind of like doctors that smoke or eat a cheeseburger daily, for example.
The feelings of self-hatred, that self-deprecating voice in my head…they just won’t go away. I know my family loves and supports me and they tell me so, but in my head I feel like I have failed them, even if this feeling doesn’t coincide with reality. And mostly I feel like I have failed myself. That I am not living the life I was supposed to live, that I had the potential to live. Everything I have done is life is overshadowed by this huge cloud of self-doubt, hopelessness, self-hatred, pain, shame, and depression. I can’t see around it.
James Blunt Same Mistake