This might be annoying, but I am going to start time-stamping my posts. The system that wordpress uses just doesn’t work for me because it isn’t on Central Time and sometimes I can’t figure out when I posted last. So…
Wednesday, May 7, 2008 12:17 p.m.
I had a very up-and-down yesterday. I was really down in the morning and then very frustrated when I tried to leave because the cairn terrier that owns me that I own has started to run out into the garage when I am trying to leave and hides under the car and won’t come out because she doesn’t want me to leave. After about 15 minutes, I finally brought out her leash and took her for a short walk. I know, I know…rewarding bad behavior. But I had to get my ass to group and I ended up being an hour late anyway.
Another sign that I have not been paying my dog enough attention…she ate a hole in part of my wood privacy fence…to get out to see me. Yeah, time to work through a little bit of that depression, not caring about anything and play some fetch every once in awhile (which I have been doing all morning…Kizz doesn’t know what to do with all the attention she is all of a sudden getting).
So, I went to group an hour late yesterday. I didn’t mind missing the first hour, because it’s not really skill-building, just meditation and mindfulness. I made it for the second two groups — diary cards and skill-building. We are working on how to be kind to ourselves (there’s an exact DBT phrase for it, but I can’t remember it off the top of my head). At any rate, these are skills that I really need since I…um…hate myself and have all these voices in my head that yell at me and tell me what a piece of shit I am and have this negative tape running in my head all the time.
And I don’t do self-care, self-soothing very often. I have been working on it though. I have showered three times since Friday (I know that doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s progress) and have been listening to music and coloring and just trying to be better to myself. I still am not able to quiet the negative self-talk, but am working on some strategies. Pasha had suggested a “done” list instead of a “to-do” list, which I have started doing and which was actually brought up in group yesterday. Note to self…listen to Pasha more often.
After group yesterday, I had some time to kill before my therapy appointment at 2:00 p.m. Pasha had also suggested that, while it is not necessarily important to really interact with people a whole lot, that it is important not to isolate and to just get yourself out there.
So, armed with Klonopin and my coloring book and colored pencils, I went to a bakery/cafe close to my therapists office and sat on the outdoor deck, smoking, drinking coffee, and coloring. I wanted to get up and leave every second that I was there, but I stayed for almost an hour and thirty minutes…a largely anxious, I can’t breathe, but I’m going to do this even if it kills me hour and thirty minutes. So, I did it, I survived. I then went to my car and had a bit of a panic attack and took some Klonopin. The coloring definitely helped me get through it.
My advice…GO BUY SOME COLORED PENCILS and a Whinny-the-Pooh coloring book. Works wonders.
After that I went to therapy, which went okay. We talked about the severe depression and anxiety I have been having, about using self-soothe and distract skills, about distress tolerance. I told her about the cafe experience and she gave me a gold star. 🙂
My goal yesterday was to not take a nap, which I managed not to do. When I got home, I talked to Malcom for a little bit, picked up the house, and colored. Then I went to Mom’s and we planted my pots up (because I have been utterly unable to bring myself to do it) and I watched her pot some stuff for the water-garden store. My plan was to be home by 8:00 p.m., but I didn’t get around to leaving until about 9:15. When Mom and I get together, time flies. Sometimes we have so much to talk about.
I slept like total crap last night…likely due to high anxiety and staying out late. I slept from 11:00 p.m. – 12:00 a.m. Then I was up, on high alert until about 8:00 a.m., and slept until 9:00 a.m. I called into group, because I was feeling really out of it since I hadn’t slept and wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to drive the 30 minutes to group and back on fumes.
I still wasn’t able to sleep after I woke up at 9:00 a.m. and called in. So, I puttered around, filled my med box, called in a refill, called the doctor to ask to call in a refill, swept off my back porch and removed the Christmas garland (I KNOW…SERIOUSLY), and made my bed and fed the dog. Other than that, I sat out on the back porch, drinking coffee and Diet Pepsi and smoking, playing fetch with my dog, and talking to Malcom.
I’ve managed to return a few emails and am getting ready to head to Dad’s for some quality time and also to keep me from sleeping…you know, building structure. I’m on an upswing again, edging into that pink (you know, before you get to red, duh) zone of mania and am just waiting for the crash. It really sucks when you can’t trust how you feel. Just another joy of rapid-cycling bipolar.
Queen Fat Bottomed Girls — SexyFat says turn it up and shake that big sexy butt, girls!