Nothing Changes

Friday, May 9, 2008  8:08 a.m.

Yesterday was rough.  I know, I know.  Broken record.  I felt really overly-energized, hyped-up, anxious, etc in the morning. 

Group was pretty ick, mostly because I didn’t sleep well the night before.  I kind of stumbled through the 9:00 a.m. group, then we shared diary cards.  That was fine.  Then, the therapy leader (the one I don’t really like) made us watch this movie about mindfulness. 

And I fell asleep for the first hour of it, which is fairly unlike me, because I’m usually pretty alert for group.  I woke up several times during that hour, having auditory hallucinations coming from the TV, which of course increased my anxiety.

We then had break and I chatted with a girl in there who is also having a rough time and we talked about some of the annoying people who are in group right now.  People who act like group is fun, a social hour.  Who make inappropriate comments.  Who never act depressed, manic, or anxious.  I know it isn’t fair to judge others, because they may be feeling differently inside and just be in denial, but it is annoying when they act like everything is great and they just come to group to socialize and make friends. 

Bugs the shit out of me, since this is an Intensive Outpatient Program, designed for people in crisis.  They don’t appear to be in crisis to me, and that’s what pisses us off.  I know, shouldn’t judge. 

At any rate, after break we went back in and I was determined to stay more alert for the second part of the movie.  But I continued with these damn auditory hallucinations and it was really tripping me out.  I asked to be excused from group early and went outside to the meditation garden, waiting on my therapy appointment at 12:00 p.m with J. 

I talked to Malcom for awhile, and he helped to make me feel better, just like he always does.  I don’t know what I would do without him and he is a very VERY patient man.  XOXO, honey. 

I then went to therapy and we talked about my issues with suicidal ideation and severe depression, which are my therapist’s biggest concerns.  I don’t want to get into it too much, but my ratings on my diary card really need to go down for that category.  We also talked about my eating and I told her that I had been doing really well with it since our last appointment, which she was happy with. 

Some other things we talked about were self-soothing exercises and negative self-talk.  We touched briefly on the rapid-cycling and mania.  I told her about the hallucinations and also reported that this happens sometimes when I am really manic and haven’t had enough sleep.  We worked on skills so that I don’t try to numb out all the time, but experiencing my feelings and just “sitting with them” as she puts it.  It is hard, but it actually made me feel a little bit better.  I could go into great detail about how you do that and self-soothe yourself, but it would make this a really long blog, so if you have questions email me at

I had planned out all kinds of distress tolerance activities for the afternoon…going out to eat, going to buy Mom’s Mother’s Day present, and possibly going to the library.  J and I decided that yesterday was not a good day to do that.  So I went straight home.

It was nice outside so I spent most of the afternoon sitting out on the deck, looking at my plants and yard, smoking cigarettes, and talking on the phone.  I colored some, read a little bit of a magazine, and organized my fridge and freezer.  I cut up a watermelon that was just oh-so-perfectly-ripe.  And some kiwi fruit.  And ate a piece of pita bread with hummus and kiwi and watermelon for lunch.  Very tasty. 

I felt semi-okay during this period, because I was just taking care of myself and my problems, but then I spent an hour and a half on the phone talking to a friend and they were crying and really upset and it really brought me down.  I am having a really hard time dealing with my own issues, so it is hard for me to be a good friend right now.  I need to lean on them, not vice versa.  That sounds selfish, but I just can’t tolerate anymore distress than is already in my life right now. 

After I got off the phone, I was right back to feeling miserable, as if my relaxing afternoon never happened.  I talked to Mom for awhile, who suggested I stay away from this friend for a little while, because I have spent almost four hours within the last two days talking to her and it isn’t helpful, for the most part.  We then made plans for me to come over tonight.  I called Mom a little bit ago and am going to cook dinner for her and DHut tonight.  I just want to do something nice for them because they are always so helpful to me.

My plan for the day is to go to IOP and then come home and do the same thing I did yesterday — sit outside with my music, my drinks, my cigarettes, my phone, and my coloring books and magazines.  Hopefully I can get back to feeling relaxed again.  I am making no big goals for the day other than to take a shower and stay awake. 

Because right now, I am tense, I am anxious, I feel crappy and depressed, and very ick.  Just so blah.  So apathetic.  Not caring about anything.  Not wanting to exist.  And those DAMN THOUGHTS racing through my mind.  Same shit, just a different day. 

James Blunt Cry — (I couldn’t find an actual video for this, so this is more for the music, not the video)


5 thoughts on “Nothing Changes

  1. I have not had heard voices in years. I do not recall how or why they went away. I would hear them at night when I was lying in bed.

    Does your friend know that you are in an IOP? If she does then she is pretty insensitive to you. You were having a good afternoon until they called. When you are in a fragile state you do need to stay away from people, places, situations, or things that can start you tumbling. I had a former group member call me last night. I was in a so-so state of mind and they sent me downhill for a while. I say that you screen all of your calls for the time being.



  2. Change can be a slow process, especially when it involves various behaviors which just seem to come on. It would be nice if they would just go away, and for some people, that can and does happen. For someone like me, it is more the case that I have to work at it. Sometimes I have it and sometimes I don’t. That is just something that I try to accept.

    I have the vantage point of perspective, and having lived with a mental illness for 40 years. I can see how it has shaped my life. I also know it can control my life if I let. It will act up and I have to adjust to it. But the illness is not my life.



  3. I am going through the same thing and have been going through it since I was 16. It comes and goes. At 16 my family was there to help me with my depression and manic episodes, but they only returned when I went away to college where I spent alot of time alone. I am a teacher and it seems that every summer when I have free time these episodes returned intensified. During the school year I can block them out with my busy schedule but now I have to face them and it seems to be getting harder to deal with. I am also 6 months pregnant and am afraid that these racing thoughts, anxiety and stress are affecting my unborn child. Any advice. p.s. thanks for the song by James Blunt-Cry, it made me feel better.


  4. Shortym —

    I would really recommend that you check out a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). I would suggest you check out my posts from June 3 and on. These posts are more hopeful and might give you some ideas about what you can use. I couldn’t reply back to you, because you didn’t leave your email, but you can email me at I would also recommend that you read some of Pasha’s comments. He is very wise.



  5. My wife has had musical ear syndrome / audio hallucinations …whatever it is called . The variable musical notes started about 3 years ago , out of the blue . Bonnie is not a complainer and didn’t mention anything for a couple of months , thinking that perhaps a song from the radio had imprinted in her head in some fashion . The noises aren’t songlike ….rather random musical notes .
    How Bonnie has not gone crazy from this constant noise is beyond me . I think I’m the only other person that believes her although her family doctor has done the best he can under the circumstances ….helping her get a small disability pension since she finds it impossible to work . It’s very sad that someone who is only 58 has had her enjoyment of life so severely curtailed .
    Various drugs/medication prescribed by her doctor have not helped except for sleeping pills . What to do ? She can’t even read a book since her attention span is so severely affected by this . I wish there was an answer .



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s