Friday, May 9, 2008 8:08 a.m.
Yesterday was rough. I know, I know. Broken record. I felt really overly-energized, hyped-up, anxious, etc in the morning.
Group was pretty ick, mostly because I didn’t sleep well the night before. I kind of stumbled through the 9:00 a.m. group, then we shared diary cards. That was fine. Then, the therapy leader (the one I don’t really like) made us watch this movie about mindfulness.
And I fell asleep for the first hour of it, which is fairly unlike me, because I’m usually pretty alert for group. I woke up several times during that hour, having auditory hallucinations coming from the TV, which of course increased my anxiety.
We then had break and I chatted with a girl in there who is also having a rough time and we talked about some of the annoying people who are in group right now. People who act like group is fun, a social hour. Who make inappropriate comments. Who never act depressed, manic, or anxious. I know it isn’t fair to judge others, because they may be feeling differently inside and just be in denial, but it is annoying when they act like everything is great and they just come to group to socialize and make friends.
Bugs the shit out of me, since this is an Intensive Outpatient Program, designed for people in crisis. They don’t appear to be in crisis to me, and that’s what pisses us off. I know, shouldn’t judge.
At any rate, after break we went back in and I was determined to stay more alert for the second part of the movie. But I continued with these damn auditory hallucinations and it was really tripping me out. I asked to be excused from group early and went outside to the meditation garden, waiting on my therapy appointment at 12:00 p.m with J.
I talked to Malcom for awhile, and he helped to make me feel better, just like he always does. I don’t know what I would do without him and he is a very VERY patient man. XOXO, honey.
I then went to therapy and we talked about my issues with suicidal ideation and severe depression, which are my therapist’s biggest concerns. I don’t want to get into it too much, but my ratings on my diary card really need to go down for that category. We also talked about my eating and I told her that I had been doing really well with it since our last appointment, which she was happy with.
Some other things we talked about were self-soothing exercises and negative self-talk. We touched briefly on the rapid-cycling and mania. I told her about the hallucinations and also reported that this happens sometimes when I am really manic and haven’t had enough sleep. We worked on skills so that I don’t try to numb out all the time, but experiencing my feelings and just “sitting with them” as she puts it. It is hard, but it actually made me feel a little bit better. I could go into great detail about how you do that and self-soothe yourself, but it would make this a really long blog, so if you have questions email me at RosieSmrtiePants@cox.net.
I had planned out all kinds of distress tolerance activities for the afternoon…going out to eat, going to buy Mom’s Mother’s Day present, and possibly going to the library. J and I decided that yesterday was not a good day to do that. So I went straight home.
It was nice outside so I spent most of the afternoon sitting out on the deck, looking at my plants and yard, smoking cigarettes, and talking on the phone. I colored some, read a little bit of a magazine, and organized my fridge and freezer. I cut up a watermelon that was just oh-so-perfectly-ripe. And some kiwi fruit. And ate a piece of pita bread with hummus and kiwi and watermelon for lunch. Very tasty.
I felt semi-okay during this period, because I was just taking care of myself and my problems, but then I spent an hour and a half on the phone talking to a friend and they were crying and really upset and it really brought me down. I am having a really hard time dealing with my own issues, so it is hard for me to be a good friend right now. I need to lean on them, not vice versa. That sounds selfish, but I just can’t tolerate anymore distress than is already in my life right now.
After I got off the phone, I was right back to feeling miserable, as if my relaxing afternoon never happened. I talked to Mom for awhile, who suggested I stay away from this friend for a little while, because I have spent almost four hours within the last two days talking to her and it isn’t helpful, for the most part. We then made plans for me to come over tonight. I called Mom a little bit ago and am going to cook dinner for her and DHut tonight. I just want to do something nice for them because they are always so helpful to me.
My plan for the day is to go to IOP and then come home and do the same thing I did yesterday — sit outside with my music, my drinks, my cigarettes, my phone, and my coloring books and magazines. Hopefully I can get back to feeling relaxed again. I am making no big goals for the day other than to take a shower and stay awake.
Because right now, I am tense, I am anxious, I feel crappy and depressed, and very ick. Just so blah. So apathetic. Not caring about anything. Not wanting to exist. And those DAMN THOUGHTS racing through my mind. Same shit, just a different day.
James Blunt Cry — (I couldn’t find an actual video for this, so this is more for the music, not the video)