Saturday, May 10, 2008 2:48 p.m.
Same old shit with a little twist on Friday. Depressed, anxious, self-loathing blah blah blah blah. I did a lot of numbing on Friday. Went to IOP, had a hard time listening and learning, which is, of course, what I am there for. I just couldn’t tune in, the tape in my head was playing so loud and I was trying to numb numb numb. I didn’t really participate. And then I went straight home and went to bed. If it counts at all, I did go to Mom and DHut’s in the evening and kinda sorta interacted.
Of course, I filled out my diary card, what with all it’s 4’s and 5’s (high intensity ratings) on things like numbing, anxiety, sadness, guilt, rumination, shame, irritability, anger…and I believe joy and willingness (to interact) scored around 1 (low intensity ratings). It’s like I put down the same thing almost every day, hence the blog Nothing Changes a day or so ago.
Earlier in the week and the previous weekend, I was really cycling and, rather than getting stuck in a manic state, I ended up in a hellacious mixed one. While mania has it’s benefits, it definitely has it’s downfalls. Like spending too much money, having high anxiety, making poor choices, and the bitch of it is that the voices don’t stop…they get louder, faster, and more irritating…and you still feel like you want to take a shower with a toaster crap.
I am not exercising per say, but am becoming a bit more active. It is unbelievable how many people have told me to exercise within the past few months…and have said it repeatedly, like perhaps I didn’t hear the first or sixth time…DAD. I just want to scream I KNOW! and then punch the person that said it in the face. And it’s really no offense to any one person. Most people are trying to be helpful and don’t know that I’ve heard it a million times or who think that they’re telling me something I don’t know.
But I know it doesn’t help to sleep around the clock, to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, to sit or lie on the couch and stare at the wall or out the window, that it makes matters worse, that I need to get off of my ass and walk around the block, do the dishes, watch a movie, read a book, be around people, bathe, play with my dog, do my laundry, sweep the floors and vacuum the rugs, and all of the other things one SHOULD do.
I am saying this mostly for my own benefit, because I am truly my hardest critic…I’m doing what I can, and although it appears to be the bare minimum, I need to remind myself that I’m not sleeping 24/7.
To my credit, I do go to IOP and interact with people for three hours a day, five days a week. I also go to three 1-hour individual sessions a week. I do go to Mom and DHut’s house almost daily, and the days that I’m not there, I go to Dad’s. I’ve also tried to do small things during the day to stay awake…coloring, for one. Sometimes I go to the grocery store with Mom. I went to Walgreens by myself today. I talk on the phone to Malcom, to Curly Snap, Mom, Dad, DHut. I sit out on my back porch a lot. Have been playing a lot of fetch with Kizz.
But most of the time I feel so depressed that I can barely get out of bed, can barely stay out of bed, can’t motivate myself to brush my teeth, do my hair, take a shower…the bare minimum. In my mind, I know all of the previously mentioned things help, but getting around to doing them seems impossible some days.
Things have been reaching a breaking point, so I am staying over at Mom and DHut’s all weekend…spending the night and the whole bit. Even though Mom isn’t here at the moment, I still feel a little better just BEING here. Playing on the computer, looking around at their gardens and pond (which have all won numerous awards), watching Kizzie play with my mom’s standard poodle, Lucy, talking to Malcom. Those are the little things that are keeping me going today. Whatever works.
Queen and David Bowie Under Pressure