Negative. Me?

Monday, May 26, 2008  9:40 a.m.

Saturday is almost not worth mentioning.  Therapy was a little too…something.  I was angry, irritable, WILLFUL.  And apparently, I contribute to my own misery with my focus on the negative.  No one wants to hear that shit.  It hurts, even if it’s true.

So then I went to Dad’s and slept the day away.  Which made things worse.  The sleeping, not Dad.

Then I came back to Mom and DHut’s and tried to get a FUCKING COACHING CALL and couldn’t get one.  I was so incredibly miserable, it was ridiculous.  All I could do was sit and stare and yell at anyone that tried to talk to me.  And that took an incredible amount of effort, because what I really wanted to go was go lay in my bed for about 48 hours. 

Saturday finally ended.  Mom got me to eat and take my meds and then I went to bed.  And I slept for about 7 hours, then took a two hour nap from 7:00 a.m. – 9:00 a.m.

And had a fairly fair day yesterday.  Depressed, anxious, miserable, but I could interact.  And I spent a lot of time listening to my headphones and staying away from people, doing my routine.  And I didn’t have to interact too much for the most part of the day, which was good.  

Ab and Kyle were in town.  Good to see them.  I stuck to my routine and was in bed by 9:30 p.m. and slept until 5:30 a.m., then was up for about half an hour and then went back to bed until 8:30 a.m., because my goal was to sleep in today.  So I did, even though it took a considerable amount of effort.

Ab invited me to come visit again this week, which I am pretty excited about.  She even promised to take me to Costco so I can get some stuff.  Good sister.  She also ended up doing a bunch of cooking that I was supposed to do yesterday.  Good sister.

Today hasn’t been too eventful, and hopefully will stay that way.  Our plans for Memorial Day are up in the air, because we don’t know if we’ll be able to go out to the lake since it is raining.  Either way, dinner will be awesome tonight because it’s either going to be a) finger food, or b) some kind of meat…the smoker was going all day yesterday.  YUM.

Mom and I have decided that we need a housewife.  She needs to just come in the mornings and clean up all the messes that occured the previous day, do laundry if needed, tidy up the house, and, for God’s sake, KEEP THE COFFEE COMING.  Mom and I playfully argue about whose turn it is to make coffee.  Every morning.  All morning. 

I realize today’s post is fairly bland, but I feel very vanilla right now.  Depressed, anxious, miserable, but not so miserable that I’m using the word “fuck” every other sentence and not so miserable that I said “fuck it” and didn’t post.

My ode to willfulness and not wanting to work on shit.  And being negative.  And all that other crap that got talked about in therapy on Saturday.

I am totally that guy laying on the sidewalk. 

Radiohead, Just (You Do it To Yourself)


2 thoughts on “Negative. Me?

  1. Vanilla is actually a very good flavor to work toward. It’s not as exciting as creme de menthe or Kahlua coffee or even Chamboard raspberry liqueur…

    But vanilla is an old standard that can get you thru’ the week… so it ain’t necessarily a bad thing to be vanilla for awhile.

    Your turn to make the coffee. …XOXO


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