Dreams of Being “Goddamn Hurricane”

Tuesday, May 27, 2008  7:41 a.m.

This “routine” thing is really working out for me (even though it’s harder than hell to stick to and I’ve only managed to do it for the past two days), although I don’t know why it shouldn’t and why I didn’t try it earlier.  The negative voice in my head has all kinds of things to say about that, but I’m not going there because it’s just too depressing.

Just kind of did my thing yesterday.  Even took an hour and a half nap, which didn’t leave me feeling grouchy and irritable and ARGHHH as they usually do.  Apparently I needed the sleep.  Basically I spent a lot of time screwing off yesterday, and some time actually doing productive things.

I cleaned up the house, cheered on Mom as she started to sort through all of the huge stacks of bait shop and water garden business paperwork that were all over the place (which means an atrocious amount of filing for me to do, but that will keep me busy, help Mom, and keep my anxiety level down because it means fewer stacks of shit laying EVERYWHERE), played dee-jay for Mom in the a.m. after she had taken a nap and was trying to wake up.  God love You Tube. 

I decided I need to visit my house today (which causes near hyperventilation to think about) to get some things that I need and I made a list so that I can be in and out.  I also made a grocery list that Mom totally nixed.  I have a bad habit of buying things before I run out…hence outrageous grocery bills and constantly having to throw shit away.  She’s trying to break me of the habit.  And I wasn’t even born in the Depression.  Go figure.  I think it comes more from knowing that I have an “all right” day only every so often, and no one, and I mean NO ONE wants to see the aftermath of going to Dillons, even accompanied, on a day that isn’t “all right,” or even on a day that is “all right.”  It’s ugly.

I’ve been trying to work at taking Klonopin when I’m anxious throughout the day instead of letting it all build up and then being out-of-control-hyperventilating-oh-holy-shit anxious by 3:00 p.m. and then taking it all at once.  I see my new Pdoc on tomorrow and hopefully he will give me a refill.  If not, I’ll figure something else out.  He’s already taken me off of a bunch of shit, which I wanted to be off of in the first place, but he’d better not go after my Klonopin.  When I have this level of anxiety WITH Klonopin, I shudder to think about how bad it would be if I were told to just use my friggin coping skills.  Fuck that.  Why can’t I use both?  And why am I getting all worked up before I even have the appointment and hear what he has to say?  Because that’s just who I am.  And its what I do. 

I have to go back to IOP today after a three day break and the thought makes me want to pull out all of my teeth with a pair of rusty pliers.  I also have therapy with Goddess of Mindfulness…talk about jumping right back into the shithole.  At least I had a good night’s sleep (nine hours).  And I have plans for later today…mostly mindless chores to do, other than the going back to my house to pick up some stuff, which I am pretty anxious about.  Supposedly this stuff is all supposed to make me feel better in the long run.  I’m still skeptical. 

And you know, Queen of DaNile…I did make the goddamn coffee last night and now it’s your turn.  And I’m going to try to settle for vanilla to get me through the week, because, I suppose, boring is better than hell.  Although my negative side (more than 50% of me) says that this week is going to be hell anyway.  And yes, I did go to college and majored in psychology and have worked in mental health for the past five years and am crazy myself and I know all about the self-fulfilling prophecy theory, but one must be RATIONAL to buy into that shit.  And I’m just not there.

This is the first track off of Natalie Merchant’s Ophelia CD and I listen to the hell out of that CD when I feel like shit.  In fact, I’ve even worn it out twice.  I think I like it because it’s about an ass-kicking woman and someday I want to be one.  That and it’s just dark and angry.  And I think I’d like to be called “a goddamn hurricane.” 

Natalie Merchant, Ophelia


One thought on “Dreams of Being “Goddamn Hurricane”

  1. I am glad to see that you are realizing the importance of structure. It helps to keep us within somewhat stable bounds. We still will get whacked here and there, but the right types of structure can keep us from unravelling.

    Those negative tapes are rough to deal with because they will just come on from out of the blue. I try to respond back to them with the opposite of what they are trying to tell me. Sometimes it does work.



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