Tuesday, June 3, 2008 7:34 a.m.
So yes, it has been a long time since I have posted and previous it was sporadic at best, and I realize this has caused some anxiety among a few readers as to my well-being. My apologies. But sometimes no news IS good news…although I wrote a post to the opposite just a couple of weeks ago.
Over the past week (since last Thursday, really), I have been getting a lot better. The suicidal thoughts are pretty much gone…and when I do have them, they’re really fleeting. I’m not sunk into a really deep depression, although I do have my moments. My irritability is mostly gone. And my anxiety has decreased.
It has felt almost magical to go from feeling like shit and being miserable every day to feeling almost good every day. Or at least feeling like I can cope, like I have the skills to get me through, that I can look at things in a positive light.
How did this happen?
I’ve had an epiphany of sorts. After three therapy sessions (two with Goddess of Mindfulness, and one with J) of “get your shit together and stop wallowing in your misery and negativity,” I decided to be willing instead of willful. Willing to do what it takes to feel better. Whatever it takes.
I realized that a lot of my hang-ups were in my own head. I’d talk myself out of feeling better, even. Talk myself out of my ability to go anywhere. I think in a lot of ways I was scared to get better. Because, in my twisted head, that meant that I had to go back to all of the things I was doing before…the job, the stress, the bullshit, the not-being-in-control feelings.
But I don’t, and it was mostly a chat with my sister and then with J that confirmed that. All I have now are choices. I don’t have to go back to my shit job that stresses me out and makes me crazy. I don’t have to go back to being off schedule and doing whatever the hell I want, damn the consequences. I don’t have to go back to any of the bullshit. Instead, I get to make new choices.
And I choose to find a different job, to live my life by a schedule, to be willing and positive, to not put up with bullshit, to protect my own mental health and not give in to people or situations that harm it, and to live life in control. It was like this huge lightbulb went off in my head and I thought…I can control this…I can manage it…I can make it better. And, with the help of DBT, I have the skills to do so.
Sticking to a schedule, doing small things to make myself feel better, and, I realize this is going to sound a bit ridiculous to those who are in the depths of depression, but just being positive even when I don’t feel like it. If you think positively enough, some of those negative thoughts go away and you can heal. Or at least start healing.
I moved back home yesterday from Mom’s. That should help with the sporadic blogging, because I’ll be able to get online in the mornings when I most feel like blogging. And I’ll be able to get online whenever I feel like it…Mom is a busy lady and it makes her a computer-hog. 😀
Many thanks go out to many people for being supportive during this time. I’m not going to list out everyone, but know that if you sent me an email, left me a comment, let me stay at your house for three weeks, or even called me or stopped in, or mowed my lawn…I am grateful. May all the good you do be returned to you.
Okay, so this video sucks and it’s not the cut that I absolutely love and it cuts out before the song is over (it was the only one I could find), but if you even remotely like the song, you definitely need to check out the Slow Down Keb ‘Mo CD.
Keb ‘Mo, Better Man