Survival of the Willing

Tuesday, June 3, 2008  7:34 a.m.

So yes, it has been a long time since I have posted and previous it was sporadic at best, and I realize this has caused some anxiety among a few readers as to my well-being.  My apologies.  But sometimes no news IS good news…although I wrote a post to the opposite just a couple of weeks ago.

Over the past week (since last Thursday, really), I have been getting a lot better.  The suicidal thoughts are pretty much gone…and when I do have them, they’re really fleeting.  I’m not sunk into a really deep depression, although I do have my moments.  My irritability is mostly gone.  And my anxiety has decreased.

It has felt almost magical to go from feeling like shit and being miserable every day to feeling almost good every day.  Or at least feeling like I can cope, like I have the skills to get me through, that I can look at things in a positive light.

How did this happen?

I’ve had an epiphany of sorts.  After three therapy sessions (two with Goddess of Mindfulness, and one with J) of “get your shit together and stop wallowing in your misery and negativity,” I decided to be willing instead of willful.  Willing to do what it takes to feel better.  Whatever it takes.

I realized that a lot of my hang-ups were in my own head.  I’d talk myself out of feeling better, even.  Talk myself out of my ability to go anywhere.  I think in a lot of ways I was scared to get better.  Because, in my twisted head, that meant that I had to go back to all of the things I was doing before…the job, the stress, the bullshit, the not-being-in-control feelings.

But I don’t, and it was mostly a chat with my sister and then with J that confirmed that.  All I have now are choices.  I don’t have to go back to my shit job that stresses me out and makes me crazy.  I don’t have to go back to being off schedule and doing whatever the hell I want, damn the consequences.  I don’t have to go back to any of the bullshit.  Instead, I get to make new choices. 

And I choose to find a different job, to live my life by a schedule, to be willing and positive, to not put up with bullshit, to protect my own mental health and not give in to people or situations that harm it, and to live life in control.  It was like this huge lightbulb went off in my head and I thought…I can control this…I can manage it…I can make it better.  And, with the help of DBT, I have the skills to do so.

Sticking to a schedule, doing small things to make myself feel better, and, I realize this is going to sound a bit ridiculous to those who are in the depths of depression, but just being positive even when I don’t feel like it.  If you think positively enough, some of those negative thoughts go away and you can heal.  Or at least start healing.

I moved back home yesterday from Mom’s.  That should help with the sporadic blogging, because I’ll be able to get online in the mornings when I most feel like blogging.  And I’ll be able to get online whenever I feel like it…Mom is a busy lady and it makes her a computer-hog.  😀 

Many thanks go out to many people for being supportive during this time.  I’m not going to list out everyone, but know that if you sent me an email, left me a comment, let me stay at your house for three weeks, or even called me or stopped in, or mowed my lawn…I am grateful.  May all the good you do be returned to you.

Okay, so this video sucks and it’s not the cut that I absolutely love and it cuts out before the song is over (it was the only one I could find), but if you even remotely like the song, you definitely need to check out the Slow Down Keb ‘Mo CD.

Keb ‘Mo, Better Man

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2 thoughts on “Survival of the Willing

  1. Congratulations to you. You are beginning to see that you can have some control over your life. You may surprise yourself as to what you can do.

    I once started a thread on an online depression forum called “Hope”. Here is something I once posted there.

    “One of the inspirations for this thread was a series of discussions a friend and I had over Jerome Groopman’s book The Anatomy of Hope. Hope vs. False Hope was an ongoing topic of our conversations. She always said that you have to differentiate between the two. One day I told her that I was going to start using Hope as a theme for my support group. She died one year ago around this time. I think that she still wants me to keep those discussions of Hope going.

    There often is a big difference between what we can do and what we want to do? All too often we focus on what we want to do, and often we are disappointed. I have been there many times, and all too often a long period of depression followed that disappointment. I can remember going through a period where I did not want to dream because even those dreams became painful. In retrospect those dreams often involved the unattainable.

    Depression wants us to focus on the unattainable. We do not achieve something and we get depressed over it. Then we start beating up on ourselves for not achieving the unattainable. I have been there and done that over and over again. One thing all of us have hoped for is to have our depression or bipolar disorder disappears. We wake up and find it is gone. We hope that this or that medication will make it go away. We then find ourselves disappointed. We pill up and we still are depressed, and we keep on asking ourselves “what is wrong with me?” “Why don’t these meds work?” “What am I doing wrong?” Then the tapes kick in. “God did I screw up?” “I am such a f____up?” “I can’t do anything right?”

    For some people, this ailment may go away. Well more power to them. Someone should get lucky, though I do wish it were me. For some of us it will remain a chronic condition. It will flare up and it will go away, and then it will come back again. For us hope is learning how to live with it. Learning how to manage it. Learning how to not let control our lives. It may limit our lives from time to time, but it does not have to control us.”

    Pasha

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  2. You ROCK My L&F (((Pasha))). Your words are always to the heart.

    My Brethren, my DD… You Go G’friend. It’s just the start. It truly IS all about you. What else do we have? …XOXO

    {{QofDN begins to sing… ahem… I will save that for another day… and the sun will come up tomorrow}}

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