Thursday, June 5, 2008 8:33 p.m.
Yesterday was a day of pulling myself up out of the shit. I haven’t slept well for the past few days and, although I had a nice chat with Malcom in the morning (part of our new routine), IOP left me unsettled.
What bothered me most was that I couldn’t understand why I felt unsettled, when I have been feeling so good lately. I felt anxious, and sad…but not depressed. I didn’t feel as bad as I have felt previously, but I certainly didn’t feel as good as I had for the past week.
After a coaching session with one of the DBT therapists, I was assured that I was just having a “dip.” Apparently recovery isn’t set on a straight incline. It generally goes upward, but sometimes there are dips…but you don’t go back to where you started unless you stop trying. Kind of like three steps forward, one step back. Or maybe two. Depending on the dip.
I also talked to the therapist about my anxieties about working and conversations with Curly Snap. She validated my hopes that quitting mental health doesn’t make me a failure, and that I want to find something I am good at and enjoy. I talked with her about wanting to work outside, with plants and the earth. That’s what I really want. Or it might not turn out to be, but it’s what I want to try next.
As an aside…a concern is that I wouldn’t be able to make enough money to keep up with my bills while I am living alone here in Topeka doing a job such as this. I think that’s probably why my mom sent me a link to a job as an office assistant. It probably doesn’t help that we haven’t actually had a real conversation about it either.
After I left IOP yesterday, I was feeling sad. Just plain sad with a little bit of anxiety, and a bit of blah. I had lunch with my dad and was fairly non-communicative. I knew I had to pull myself from the shit. I just couldn’t do it at the time.
It was really hot out yesterday. Hot and humid. I put on my “working outside” clothes and spent about two hours mowing, tearing down a fence that has been driving me crazy, and pulling weeds. I think my intention was not only to make myself feel better, but to somehow prove to myself that I could still get out and get shit done. And get that sense of accomplishment.
My dad has been mowing my lawn for me for the past few weeks. It has been really helpful, but it was good to do it myself. I was ready. And able. It felt good to sweat and get hot and muddy and have to drink tons of water and, this will sound ridiculous, give the middle finger to everyone who said it was too hot to be outside during that time of the day, that I’d make myself sick.
I didn’t get sick. I got some sun, my face turned a nice magenta color, but I did not get sick. Probably because I was literally singing in my head during the entirety of those two hours…
Bad, bad, Rosie Brown…toughest bitch in the whole damn town
Positive thought and mindfulness can take you places you didn’t know you could go. Or thought you couldn’t go. Or thought that you would never be able to go to again. I felt better again.
After spending time cooling down, sitting in my freshly mowed yard, I ran an errand to Walgreens. It’s sad. When I walk up, they say my last name and then they say, “how many today?” I rewarded myself for my hard work with a box of Hot Tamales. They’re gone now.
The rest of the evening was good. I watched a cute movie (The Jane Austen Book Club) and talked to my baby, played fetch with my dog. I left the movie feeling as if I really need to start getting back into reading now that I am feeling better. The movie inspired me to try some Austen, which I have actually fake-read before when I was in college. I’m also going to read some Faulkner, which I also fake-read in college. The books are compliments of Dad and Karen’s library. Thanks guys.
I feel like I should blog about today, since the day is almost over. But I need to eat and comfort my anxiety-stricken dog (thunderstorms). And doing so today would leave me with little to say tomorrow morning, because some serious insights were made today.
Alanis Morrisette, Head Over Feet