The Bizarre Feeling of Contentment

Tuesday, July 1, 2008  7:47 a.m.

Thursday through Sunday, I was at the bait shop and water garden store, helping out, and it was really busy.  I went home exhausted each night and just ate dinner and went to bed.  I’ve had some really good sleep lately.  Physical exertion can do that to you, apparently.  Who would’ve thought. 

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I’ve been “on my own.”  The first day that I’ve had to build structure on my own, without any real concrete plans.  I knew what I needed to concentrate on, and I knew that I needed to stay busy all day. 

Other than not getting my lawn mowed (which I am doing here as soon as the neighborhood wakes up a bit), I accomplished everything I set out to do.  I put in job applications at a few places, picked up some paper applications at a few places I want to apply, and went to Walmart (where I had an unreal, fun time…seriously).  Those were the things I had planned.  In addition, I visited Grandma, cleaned and organized the fridge and freezer, the kitchen, and my desk, did some DBT work, talked to my sister for awhile, and baked a lasagna to eat this week. 

I definitely stayed busy all day.  I didn’t sit down to rest until about 8:30 p.m., and even then, I was working on some online stuff.  I like to be busy and active, and am hopeful and really just determined to keep myself that way.  It will be easier to do once I have a job, for sure, but in the meantime I’m going to keep on plugging away and finding stuff to do. 

I know a lot of my time will be spent looking for a job, and when I’m not doing that, there are definitely projects around the house I can do.  I also will be exercising more, especially now that I’ve quit smoking.  I have been walking a bit here and there, and plan to gradually increase until I am walking about 6 miles a day, four days per week.  On two days, I’ll walk three, and then I’ll take one day off. 

I know I can do it…been there before.  It is a great stress reliever, and definitely helps with weight loss.  Plus, Ab and I are going to do a 5K here sometime in August or September.  I want to be able to keep up with her quick pace.  She’s a runner and she walks faster than anyone I know. 

I have been losing weight pretty easily since I’ve been feeling better.  I’ve been eating right and exercising, and simply have been more active.  All of that sleep and laying around doesn’t do much for the figure, dontcha know. 

It is a lot easier, also, to eat better and exercise when I’m not working for the agency…especially the eating better.  At the agency, there was always food in the break room, food at every meeting, FOOD FOOD FOOD.  I find it hard to resist if it’s available.  I also did a lot of junk food and eating fast food for a long time…partly because I was depressed and didn’t care, and partly because it’s almost part of the culture of social service that you eat like crap.  I’m not quite sure how to explain it other than that. 

I did a coaching call last night around 9:00 p.m.  I did it in part because I haven’t done one in so long, and partly because I was having difficulty processing this bizarre feeling of calm and contentment and feeling like everything is okay.  It ended up actually being a really funny phone call, likely because I did it with Ann.  She totally cracks me up.  We were both rolling by the end of the call.  It truly is strange to feel okay.  As Ann said, it is uncharted territory for me, and will take some getting used to.  She also emphasized that I need to keep doing the things that make me feel okay.  It’s called EFFECTIVENESS in DBT terms.  🙂

I continue to put my DBT skills into practice and fill out a diary card every day, which is very helpful to me.  I won’t go on and on about all of the benefits of DBT and how life-changing it has been for me, because I think I’ve been there and done that and posted about it about fifteen times by now, but seriously…


So, I’m pretty obsessed with Jack Johnson because it’s such feel-good music and this is a fun little ditty…and an even more fun video. 

Jack Johnson, Do You Remember


2 thoughts on “The Bizarre Feeling of Contentment

  1. P.S. One week, three days, 21 hours, 29 minutes and 49 seconds. 653 cigarettes not smoked, saving $40.86. Life saved: 2 days, 6 hours, 25 minutes.


  2. Yes, I’m sure ’tis a bizarre feeling, to feel so “alive” and full of life. I wish you many more of those times, and believe you’ll get there, and embrace it.

    Then when the “down times” come, it’s so much easier to have a reference point (of those “bizarre” feelings”) that can help move away from the down and into the zone.

    I also believe, from looking at your “meter” of smoking, that you’ve waaaay under-estimated how much you smoked. Crack that baby up a notch, and feel even better. 😀


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