Sunday, July 6, 2008 PM
The days in the past week have gone by quickly. I have stayed busy most days. I need more.
I feel an intense urge to connect. Granted, I get that to a certain extent by spending time with my family and talking to various people on the phone. It is not enough. And then it is too much all at the same time.
Now that I am actually living my life instead of avoiding it, I feel as if I am now forced to figure out more about myself…what I like, what I don’t like, what I can tolerate, what I can’t. I have all of these choices now, where before I couldn’t see beyond the stone walls I had erected around myself. Choices.
Sometimes it feels like my chest is going to rip open and my heart will fall to the floor and I will impulsively stomp on it until it stops beating. Because I don’t know what else to do.
This living, this life, is uncharted territory. Landscape I have never seen, never walked before. I am engaging, interacting, listening, seeing. It is a very different life, with very different feelings than I have lived and felt before.
The not knowing what to expect. KILLS. ME. As someone who obsessively plans out everything from what I am going to wear on Wednesday to my plans for next weekend (I do realize it is only Sunday) to what I am going to be doing five years from now. I want to know. I am now faced with the fact that I can not always know. KILLS. ME.
I keep reminding myself to float. Float with thoughts, emotions. Don’t struggle or I drown. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to go back there, with lungs half filled with water and concrete blocks weighing down my feet.
That fear. The fear of going back is unbearable at times. I try not to think about it, although I know avoiding the feeling gets me no where. It makes me think about it all the more. Can I keep this up? These gently rolling hills that sometimes spike up into the sky without notice? I fear the valley. I have not seen it recently, but I fear it because I know some kind of valley will come, somewhere in the distance.
This is what I think of as the sun starts to go down. When the mosquitos start to bite and my body and mind go places I don’t want to go.
The thought that keeps going through my mind…
“I’m doing what I’m supposed to do…right?”
Doubt. Fear. Alone in the dark.
Jewel, Absence of Fear