When the Sun Goes Down

Sunday, July 6, 2008 PM

The days in the past week have gone by quickly. I have stayed busy most days. I need more.

I feel an intense urge to connect. Granted, I get that to a certain extent by spending time with my family and talking to various people on the phone. It is not enough. And then it is too much all at the same time.

Now that I am actually living my life instead of avoiding it, I feel as if I am now forced to figure out more about myself…what I like, what I don’t like, what I can tolerate, what I can’t. I have all of these choices now, where before I couldn’t see beyond the stone walls I had erected around myself. Choices.

Sometimes it feels like my chest is going to rip open and my heart will fall to the floor and I will impulsively stomp on it until it stops beating. Because I don’t know what else to do.

This living, this life, is uncharted territory. Landscape I have never seen, never walked before. I am engaging, interacting, listening, seeing. It is a very different life, with very different feelings than I have lived and felt before.

The not knowing what to expect. KILLS. ME. As someone who obsessively plans out everything from what I am going to wear on Wednesday to my plans for next weekend (I do realize it is only Sunday) to what I am going to be doing five years from now. I want to know. I am now faced with the fact that I can not always know. KILLS. ME.

I keep reminding myself to float. Float with thoughts, emotions. Don’t struggle or I drown. I don’t want to drown. I don’t want to go back there, with lungs half filled with water and concrete blocks weighing down my feet.

That fear. The fear of going back is unbearable at times. I try not to think about it, although I know avoiding the feeling gets me no where. It makes me think about it all the more. Can I keep this up? These gently rolling hills that sometimes spike up into the sky without notice? I fear the valley. I have not seen it recently, but I fear it because I know some kind of valley will come, somewhere in the distance.

This is what I think of as the sun starts to go down. When the mosquitos start to bite and my body and mind go places I don’t want to go.

The thought that keeps going through my mind…

“I’m doing what I’m supposed to do…right?”

Doubt. Fear. Alone in the dark.

Jewel, Absence of Fear

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2 thoughts on “When the Sun Goes Down

  1. Decisions can be rough at times because when you make a decision you also have to take ownership for the results. Unfortunately we often are scared to make a decision, what we make the wrong one? The more we hesitate and deliberate the more excuses we come up with for not making a decision.

    So you are now discovering a new world. You do not have to explore it in a day or a week or even a month. I say that you explore it at a comfortable pace. I personally think that general short term objectives make a lot of sense becuase they make us focus on a handful of things. You may find that some of them are doable and others are not. That is fine because that is how life is. Some things will be easier than others.

    Part of your discovery process will include likes and dislikes. I always tell people that they should explore new and different things. It gets you out of the house and it may even get your mind working. Then you need to make some of these a regular part of your life. Notice what you have just done, you have just expanded your comfort zone.

    One of the things that my wife and I do is to go the monthly Creative Cocktail Hour at a local nonprofit art center/gallery. She brings her knitting and she knits. I wander about and I people watch. This event is now a regular part of our lives. When I get depressed, I often will still go. It gets me out of the house; I know people there; there typically is a new gallery opening or some sort of entertainment; if you get there early there is food; I can sometimes find a perch and people watch; etc. So I go because it is part of my comfort zone.

    So explore life a little bit. You may find something that you like.

    Pasha

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  2. Feeling an intense need to connect is very understandable…after being disconnected for mucho time. It is very comfortable for one to be alone. But believe it’s good for you to realize it should not be a 24/7 thang. That is a powerful tool… one just must learn how to use it to one’s benefit.

    Having “choices” (within one’s own mind) is very powerful. And of course terrifying. The “powerful” part is discovering you have choices (even when your mind has told you that you do not.) And therein lies the scarey part. Thus, to make those choices…

    Not knowing what to expect? It’s how you’ve lived your life for quite some time. One is able to not know what to expect, but still broaden one’s horizons. I believe a part of what you are learning is that you CAN not know what to expect, but are working on developing the skills to deal with the unexpected. That will be huge for you. And I believe you are practicing those skills in a positive way.

    And the evening sets, and self-doubt rears its ugly head. Honey, the dark does that to all of us. Yes, there will be times of valleys. And each time, you will be better able to deal with them.

    As my L&F says… you don’t need to “learn” it all right now, or in a day, or in a week, or a month, or even a year. It’s just a path you’ve chosen to take. And my belief is that it’s a good one. Most of us take a day at a time… or even an hour. Or a few minutes. We figure out our likes and dislikes from that time period, whatever it may be. Then just keep inching along.

    This is progress. Even if it seems painful at times….XOXO

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