Positive Stimulation

I have been terrible about keeping this blog up to date.  My only excuse is that I have been busy, but at the same time have not had anything truly pertinent or interesting to write about. 

I am working, have started my new job at the home improvement store.  I really like it, and have worked there nonstop since Saturday.  Working, five days in a row (because I have to work today), is welcome, keeps me busy.  My parents are concerned it is keeping me too busy.  To go from having no stimulation at all to diving in head-first. 

When I am not working, I am playing.  I am doing things that make me happy, that make me feel like I have a life worth living, instead of being content to merely exist.  I am going places, having a good time with my friends.  Malcom and I broke up, and I have been also exploring what it might be to date again.  I have options, and am taking it slowly. 

It is a curious feeling to be busy, to be interacting with others, and to not feel anxious.  I feel calm, happy, relaxed.  There is no secret drug I am taking, no weed I am smoking.  There is just a feeling within me that I can only label “normalcy,” that I have not felt in a very long time.  I suppose living and seeking out others does that to you. 

I have been advised by my parents to “take it down about six notches.”  I think they worry because they feel as if I have swung to the other end of the dialectic, from hermit to social butterfly, from barely existing to having a very full life.  I, on the other hand, feel like I have inched my way from feelings of nothingness to feelings of substance.  Depressed to happy, miserable to content, antisocial to social.  I do not feel as if I am on the other side of the dialectic, and I don’t feel like I have swung there. 

It has happened naturally.  I have had the desire to seek out others, to do things I have not been able to do.  Others worry that this has been a swing, and perhaps they are fearful that I will crash from the elevated state of happiness I feel, that all of this interaction and stimulation will be too much.  Then again, I don’t know precisely how these people are feeling.  All I know is that I feel good for the first time in a long while, that my thinking is clear, that I am making choices and it empowers me and makes me feel good about myself. 

I have been sick, depressed, and symptomatic for so long, it must be difficult for those looking in to adjust their beliefs, concerns, and thoughts about what I am doing, the shifts in how I am feeling.  I have come up so many times, only to fall again.  I am cognizant that I will trip and stumble again, but I am also confident that I will be able to pick myself up again, more quickly and without suffering and writhing on the ground, waiting for someone to put me back on my feet. 

It is perhaps that confidence that tells me to keep doing what I have been doing.  To seek out others, to do what feels good.  I have had no ill effects from doing what I am doing, only a state of fatigue from time to time.  I also feel less of a sense of urgency, which I attribute to comparatively low levels of anxiety.  I feel mellow, not hyped up.  From the outside looking in, I can see how this might look and seem very different, how there are concerns. 

What I know is that I am happy, that I am content, relaxed, and enjoying myself.  I will know when I have gone too far, and I don’t feel as if I have at this point.  I still take time to myself, time to reflect and rest.  Granted it is much less time than before, but at this point I do not feel like I need all of that time to sit anxiously within myself and ponder how I am feeling. 

And like I said before, I do know that at some point I will stumble and fall.  But I have the skills to pick myself up again and get back on the proverbial horse.  And am confident that I will be able to do so, that I won’t fall so far, so fast.  History need not repeat itself so precisely.


4 thoughts on “Positive Stimulation

  1. I am surprised by your jump into FT employment. I was expecting you to first start out at something PT. I believe that work can be a good thing. It adds structure to our lives. It makes us manage our time. It provides us with daily interaction with people. Then it also helps us feel better about ourselves.

    I work for myself and I work at home. I do miss the daily interaction with people that you have in the workplace. All of those daily conversations you have help to keep you connected to every day life.

    Now I do share a bit of concern with your parents. I do not know how the up phase of your BP manifests itself. Unfortunately you do have to watch yourself on that side of the equation. That is why I am a big believer in structure and to limit various actions and activities which could possibly play into that.

    On the other hand I also know that when someone is determined they can do incredible things. So just keep trying.



  2. Are you talking to me? Or talking to yourself? Or both? When you say “parents” I know who you’re talking about. When you use the terms “Others worry,” “they are fearful,” and “these people” Queen of DN wonders who “they” are.

    Perhaps when “they” take note of your behavioral changes, and to enjoy but go slowly, it’s because it is what “they” have been asked to and conditioned by both you and your therapist to say when behavioral changes are noticed.

    It is then up to “you” instead of “they” to reflect on that, then translate that into how you feel. Which is ALWAYS what that taking note is supposed to do for you… cause reflection. It isn’t meant to be an alarm, it’s meant to point out behavioral changes. No more, no less. I believe that you’ve done that within this blog. And your words sound much more confident than they have.

    Yes, I believe you’ve learned a lot of coping and life skills in the past three months. I believe the amount of time spent dwelling could easily be better taken up by enjoyable activities. Much more productive and self-gratifying.

    You have made remarkable strides in your life recently. However, I believe it’s important that the question or reflection, if you will, still happen. So that you have others’ perspective and can answer that question for yourself.

    You are correct… history need not repeat itself precisely. Thank God. There are parts of my history I’d just as soon leave as history…and hopefully no archaeological digs. 🙂

    Pasha’s thoughts of not forgetting the value of structure and just as important, the thought that determination can cause incredible growth are, as always, very good points. Her Majesty of All Things Standard, Pickles, and DaNile never tolerates a fool in her Court. And My L&F is my right-hand man. 🙂

    ….XOXO PS You ARE Beautiful. How ’bout those bears? 😀


  3. I suppose I am referring both to you guys (my parents) and to myself. Sometimes I wonder about all of this new-found fulfillment and happiness, and my ability to (and liking of) doing all of these new things.

    I do appreciate you guys taking note of what I’m doing, because that helps me. It does cause me to reflect, which is what I am doing. When I look into myself, I feel good about the changes I am making. I feel calm, at ease, peaceful. No mania, no depression, just even.

    As far as building structure, I am definitely doing that. Between working and spending time with friends, I’m a pretty busy girl. I know it seems like a lot from the outside looking in, considering I have been such a recluse never doing anything for so long. But you’re right, and said exactly what I think, when you said that the amount of time I used to spend dwelling is now taken up with more enjoyable activities (hanging out with friends, working, staying busy).

    Thank you for noticing, Madre.

    The bears are good. 🙂



  4. Just thought I’d say HIGH FIVE (^5) for feeling good, doing what you want and what makes you happy. 🙂
    Happiness is a good thing! 🙂

    Thought I’d share a quote with you

    “When you take charge of your life, there is no longer need to
    ask permission of other people or society at large. When you
    ask permission, you give someone veto power over your life.”

    — Geoffrey F. Abert

    I’ve also been busy the last week or so because I also started working full-time. We’ll see if it goes permanent, I am keeping my fingers crossed.
    GOOD LUCK with everything, sounds like you’re doing great and just fine figuring things out on your own.


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