I have been terrible about keeping this blog up to date. My only excuse is that I have been busy, but at the same time have not had anything truly pertinent or interesting to write about.
I am working, have started my new job at the home improvement store. I really like it, and have worked there nonstop since Saturday. Working, five days in a row (because I have to work today), is welcome, keeps me busy. My parents are concerned it is keeping me too busy. To go from having no stimulation at all to diving in head-first.
When I am not working, I am playing. I am doing things that make me happy, that make me feel like I have a life worth living, instead of being content to merely exist. I am going places, having a good time with my friends. Malcom and I broke up, and I have been also exploring what it might be to date again. I have options, and am taking it slowly.
It is a curious feeling to be busy, to be interacting with others, and to not feel anxious. I feel calm, happy, relaxed. There is no secret drug I am taking, no weed I am smoking. There is just a feeling within me that I can only label “normalcy,” that I have not felt in a very long time. I suppose living and seeking out others does that to you.
I have been advised by my parents to “take it down about six notches.” I think they worry because they feel as if I have swung to the other end of the dialectic, from hermit to social butterfly, from barely existing to having a very full life. I, on the other hand, feel like I have inched my way from feelings of nothingness to feelings of substance. Depressed to happy, miserable to content, antisocial to social. I do not feel as if I am on the other side of the dialectic, and I don’t feel like I have swung there.
It has happened naturally. I have had the desire to seek out others, to do things I have not been able to do. Others worry that this has been a swing, and perhaps they are fearful that I will crash from the elevated state of happiness I feel, that all of this interaction and stimulation will be too much. Then again, I don’t know precisely how these people are feeling. All I know is that I feel good for the first time in a long while, that my thinking is clear, that I am making choices and it empowers me and makes me feel good about myself.
I have been sick, depressed, and symptomatic for so long, it must be difficult for those looking in to adjust their beliefs, concerns, and thoughts about what I am doing, the shifts in how I am feeling. I have come up so many times, only to fall again. I am cognizant that I will trip and stumble again, but I am also confident that I will be able to pick myself up again, more quickly and without suffering and writhing on the ground, waiting for someone to put me back on my feet.
It is perhaps that confidence that tells me to keep doing what I have been doing. To seek out others, to do what feels good. I have had no ill effects from doing what I am doing, only a state of fatigue from time to time. I also feel less of a sense of urgency, which I attribute to comparatively low levels of anxiety. I feel mellow, not hyped up. From the outside looking in, I can see how this might look and seem very different, how there are concerns.
What I know is that I am happy, that I am content, relaxed, and enjoying myself. I will know when I have gone too far, and I don’t feel as if I have at this point. I still take time to myself, time to reflect and rest. Granted it is much less time than before, but at this point I do not feel like I need all of that time to sit anxiously within myself and ponder how I am feeling.
And like I said before, I do know that at some point I will stumble and fall. But I have the skills to pick myself up again and get back on the proverbial horse. And am confident that I will be able to do so, that I won’t fall so far, so fast. History need not repeat itself so precisely.