Whole-lotta-livin’ going on down-here.  🙂

Working at the home improvement store is turning out to be a really great thing.  It’s not stressful, when I clock out I’m totally and completely done for the day, and I’m meeting lots of interesting people.  It’s a fun work environment, unlike the previous job where everyone was fucking insane stressed and bitching all of the time.  Going to work is something I look forward to now, and that’s what it’s all about anyway. 

I have fallen back into some old patterns recently, as far as trying to “save” people.  When I see someone with a problem, I don’t think, “RUN LIKE FUCKING HELL!” Instead, I think, “oh, I can fix that.  Let me show you how.”  The difference between then and now is that I am totally aware of my desire to fix people and their problems.  And aware of the fact that it is not beneficial to my mental health to take every stray under my wing, just because I’ve been there before or because I know EXACTLY what to do in said situation. 

I find myself giving a lot of advice.  I think I give pretty good advice and other people seem to think so too, because they come back for more.  I’m cool with that.  I’m cool with giving advice, with listening.  I just don’t want to get so involved.  It isn’t good for me and I know that.  I cut ties when I need to. 

There is a clarity to life that has been lacking in the past.  I think a lot of it is coming with age and being around people that are younger than me.  I remember when I was in my early 20’s, especially when I was 22, and Mom kept saying that she wouldn’t be 22 again for anything.  At the time I thought, “well why the hell not?”  Now I see. 

Now I see how much more I know now and how much I still have to learn.  And I notice myself being totally okay with that.  When I was younger (and I’m not calling myself old), I thought I knew everything there was to know and that I didn’t need to know anything else, because I knew everything anyway.  I see a lot of that in people around me.  It is frustrating and fascinating, all at the same time, just noticing. 

I’ve been making a lot of important decisions lately, although they may seem small to other people (and I acknowledge that key people think they are huge).  I am making choices about how I want to live my life, the life that I want to lead, instead of the life that I think I SHOULD lead or that someone else wants me to follow. 

I feel truly happy and am at peace.  I reflect and make myself smile, and sometimes even giggle, with the thoughts that pop into my head, like a really good sneeze.  I amaze myself with my ability and willingness to do what it takes to make my life worth living.  I’m proud of myself. 

I love myself. 

Gnarls Barkley, Going On

Anyone that needs what they want, and doesn’t want what they need
I want nothing to do with
And to do what I want
And to do what I please
Is first of my to-do list

You took the words from my mouth, Gnarls. 

Thanks to Cheryl (you rock!!) for putting this video on her blog first, where I fell in love with the song. 


4 thoughts on “Contentment

  1. I remember turning thirty (a birthday I had originally dreaded). I discovered that same thing you’re talking about here… clarity. And how to live my life the way I wanted to live it.

    It was one of the greater epiphanies of my life… and perhaps the most life-changing one. The Zen of Madre’s Life, if you will. Well, not “perhaps” but absolutely. I embraced your (and mine) beloved DHut. I made the decision to make whatever sacrifice necessary to stay home and raise the two lights of my life (you and sissypoo). I became the person I truly wanted to be.

    Now that’s not to say I didn’t stumble and fall flat on my face a few times… but somehow with this clarity, I was able to have a quicker recovery from my sometimes frequent falls from the Zen of grace.

    As I said before… “youth” is highly overrated. However, I would kill to have the body of a 35 year old. 😀 “Contentment” is a good word choice. I believe “satisfaction” might be another.

    I, too, am proud of your hard-won and -earned growth. You Rock, Ms. Smartiepants. ….XOXO And BTW… so does this song. It’s a keeper.


  2. I have always known that the first step to happiness is to accept the fact that happiness is even possible. Depression has a bad habit of always telling us the opposite. Since depression uses our own voice against us, we believe it.

    The second step is to allow yourself to be happy. I often use the term “clinging to depression”. What I mean by that is that you hold onto to the depression and you do not allow anything else to happen. I used to hear a little voice in my head that would tell me not to do things that I wanted to do. Often those things involved enjoyment. What I found was that not only do I have to allow myself to be happy, but I often have to work at it to make it happen.

    It seems like you are doing a number of things right now that all together, allow you to have that sense of contentment. Maybe you can now understand what I meant by working to have a normal life. All of these things help us feel better about ourselves, and they help keep those dark clouds at bay. They help structure our lives. If you keep many of these things in place, they will give you enough structure to avoid those deep downturns. They help put a floor under you. You may get knocked onto the floor every now and then, but you can still get back up. It is much easy to get off of the floor than to climb out of a deep pit.



  3. Hiya.

    My name is Jess and I am from New Zealand.

    I’m currently undergoing DBT (my second year at it), and my therapist gave me the link to your blog.

    I just wanted to say, after reading a few of your entries, that I have immediately bookmarked this page, so I can keep updated on your progress.

    You are a real inspiration, and I truly admire your courage and strength.

    Thank you so much for blogging your struggles and your wins.



  4. Is this just a blog to be used when you’re feeling a certain way? If so, perhaps you might want to tell your readership that. Been almost a month bud. …XOXO


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s