Sometimes great things happen when you least expect them. Sometimes people come into your life and you feel lucky and scared and have butterflies in your stomach just thinking about them. And sometimes those people turn out to be great, sometimes they don’t.
I have been dating here recently and have met some interesting people, and some not so interesting people. There are decisions to be made, fun to be had, excitement to experience. It is truly something different than what I have experienced before with dating. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I really know what I want and am not willing to settle to find it.
I am ready to settle down and start making a family. I know that I have always kind of thought I would never have kids, but I guess my biological clock is really ticking and now I really want to. I want to bring life into this world and have great love in my life. I want to get married and be completely in love, like Mom and Daddy Hut or Dad and Karen. I think I have great role models for what marriage can be.
I am really clear on what I want from a relationship and am not willing to settle for something less than I deserve. That is different, too. For most of my life, I have been willing to just make the best of what was going on, and I still do in certain areas of my life. In this particular area, I am not willing to do that anymore. Like I said, I want that great true love, I want those kids, and I want someone that loves me for me. Because I truly deserve that.
I have been thinking a lot about Grandpa lately and am finally starting to deal with the fact that he is gone, four years later. I think that for a long time, I just didn’t talk about it because I was so uncomfortable, because it was so painful. I was talking to E about it last night, and he said a lot of things that make sense. I have to deal with that pain, to embrace it, and to stop living in denial that he is gone. And to think about it. To remember and treasure the memories that I do have together and to stop beating myself up about all of the things that I didn’t say or didn’t do. I am trying.
I think I am going out to his gravesite on Sunday morning before I go to work. I don’t have to work until 11:30, and I am not sure that will be enough time, so it might have to wait until I am off on Tuesday. I have been avoiding it because I have really been avoiding dealing with all of it. I am ready to deal with it now. Have to, even, to keep my sanity. To keep him close to my heart and to remember and to talk to him.
I talk to him sometimes in my head, and I know that he hears me. I know that he is in a better place, perhaps a cliche. But he is. I would like to think that he is somewhere fishing all day, that he has a great vegetable garden with rich soil, and feels no pain. Even though Sparky (his dog) is still here on Earth, I would like to think that he has found another Sparky dog that he can love and spoil and feed chocolate puffs and popcorn. I would like to think that he is happy, that he is waiting for me to come see him, that he wants me to lead the fullest, happiest life possible. And I’m doing my best, Grandpa. I think you know that.
I’m not coming yet, but I will be someday. Love you Gramps!
Death Cab for Cutie, I Will Follow You Into the Dark