I have a lot of thoughts spinning through my head right now.  Money, relationships, money, money, work, money, relationships, money, work.  You get the idea. 

I am at the bait store today, watching it while DHut takes a much-deserved catnap in the back.  He has been working seven days a week for over a year now, without any time off, and he will finally get a break this weekend.  I am very happy for him! 

The family is getting together to do things at the lake and then a big breakfast (DHut’s favorite meal) on Labor Day.  Mom said that apparently what he misses the most about working seven days a week is breakfast, so it appears that we are really going all-out.  I think that’s pretty cool and plan on attending, even though I have to work later on that day. 

I will probably be missing out on the majority of the lake-stuff this weekend…my first Labor Day weekend that I have been working.  I’m kind of sad about it, but have also told myself to just “buck up” and take one for the team.  I really need the money and am willing to work pretty much whatever at this point to try and stay afloat. 

I guess it’s all a part of growing up and realizing that sometimes you miss out on some fun when you have other responsibilities.  I imagine that up until recently, it probably would have really bummed me out.  Seems like I don’t get bummed out by the little things in life so much anymore.  And definitely don’t stress as much as I used to.  Or obsess, although I still do to a degree. 

I had DBT last night and it went ok, I suppose.  I talked to A (the group leader) afterward and she is wondering if DBT is still a good fit for me.  She thinks that possibly I could cut back on the times I come and see how that goes, but left it up to me to decide.  I am going to talk it over with the Goddess of Mindfulness and get back with her. 

Part of me wants to stop going, because it is kind of depressing.  Everyone there is super-symptomatic and we go over the same things repetitively.  I feel like I get more from individual sessions than from the group thing, because I’m on a vastly different step right now than everyone else.  And a lot of what I work on in therapy is DBT stuff and I am also practicing my skills in everyday life. 

A is not saying that I should go to a reduced schedule indefinitley, but just when things are stable.  Like I said, I am going to think on it and talk to GoM and I’m sure Pasha and Mom will have something to say one way or another.  So looking forward to those comments.  😛

I have been thinking about going to work full-time or looking for another job.  My reasoning behind all of this is money.  I need to be making more so that I am independent from my parents, so that I have other options.  I know Mom and DHut are unhappy with the current situation and are just dealing with it as best as they know how.  They have been very supportive and I appreciate that. 

My thought is that I’m all grown and its time for me to really take charge of my life.  I have been doing so in small ways, mostly socially.  I have also really been taking charge of my health, drastically changing my eating habits, getting ready to quit smoking again, walking, exercising, not putting all of those drugs in my body. 

Now I really have the desire to really take charge of my finances and develop something that I can make a career out of.  I really like working at the home improvement store, but it is definitely not something I can envision making a real career out of.  I have been thinking a lot about going to get my MSW and becoming a social behavior researcher.  That’s what I would really like to do, and it pays pretty well. 

In a lot of ways, I feel like I have been given a “second chance” to live my life the way I want it.  I love my family, but I do not want to be so dependent on them.  I want to get out and explore the world, find true love, have a career that I love, and so many other things.  And I’m making plans.  Big plans. 

Right now I am keeping them to myself because I don’t want my parents or other family to shoot them down and tell me they are unrealistic or crazy, although I don’t know if they would do that or not.  I do know that first I have to be financially independent in order to make any kind of large-scale decisions on my own.  And I’ll get there, I really will.  I have more confidence in that today than I did yesterday or the day before or the day before that and so on. 

I am living a life without regret, knowing that every “wrong” path that I have been down has been a learning lesson and has taught me something.  I have lived my life very cautiously for the past five years, and have in the end benefitted from it.  But during those five years, I was not really living a life at all. 

Now I am living.  And I want to live some more.

I want to do all of the things that people told me I could never do, that they thought I would never be able to do, that even I thought I would never be able to do.  I don’t think that anything is impossible really and am not ruling out any options as of yet.  The only option I have ruled out so far is to continue in the status quo. 

Now I am not saying there is anything terribly wrong with the status quo.  It just isn’t what I want at this point in my life.  I am ready to “start over” I suppose you could say.  And I refuse to let my mental illness stand in my way.  Absolutely refuse. 

Dixie Chicks, Wide Open Spaces

2 thoughts on “Pondering

  1. If you feel that you are not getting that much out of the DBT then I see nothing wrong with scaling back on those sessions. I think your Goddess can give you better input on it than me.

    Your talk of big plans reminds me of something someone once told me. He said that you have to have a couple of dreams in your life. They give you something to live for, and with the combination of lady luck and lots of hard work you may even obtain a few of them.

    What you seem to be getting at is that you want to take control over your life. I say go for it. Just remember that it is an ongoing process, and that all of the steps are interconnected.



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