Posting Blind

Today was my second day off in a row, and have spent the evening contemplating not blogging, although just this morning I was looking forward to it.  

Overall, life is great.  Matt and I are happy together, making adjustments to living together, to not being alone.  I probably wish he’d take out the trash more often and he probably wishes I wouldn’t bug him about it so much, but overall it’s good.  Our biggest issue has been trying to work around each other schedules, since he works second shift and I work pretty much whatever gets thrown at me. 

We’re both on the hunt for new jobs, me for something more stable and higher-paying, him for something he fits into better.  I know things will work out in the long run.  Neither one of us are going to end up as an unemployment statistic, pretty sure.  Watching the news for too long poisons my mind.  All I need is a quick call to QoB to really steady myself, even though these days I have it pretty well figured out by the time I pick up the phone. 

I didn’t go to DBT this week.  I saw Goddess of Mindfulness, who said it wasn’t terrible necessary since I’m doing well and could save a little gas by not going.  So I didn’t.  And it felt great.  Sometimes I don’t know what I get out of that group.  If anything, if maybe I’m not trying enough and there’s something I SHOULD be getting out of it that I haven’t found yet.  I’m really not sure.  For right now, for this week, I’m okay without it.

I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone this morning, around 7:30.  I was calling her to see if she wanted to have dinner, and she ended up telling me about some things that are going on in her life that went on in a time in my life that I choose to not think about, to keep my sanity, to stay alive.  Because I didn’t know how to say no, because I couldn’t lie and say I had a dentist’s appointment, I agreed that she could come over during her lunch break and talk about these things.

And before I knew it, I was back in that place again.  It wasn’t like being slapped in the face.  It was like being punched in the nose, kicked in the stomach, and thrown to the ground.  She said a few words, cried a little, asked some questions.  And I was there.  I was there and I was all over the place and I couldn’t get myself to come back. 

By the time I finally realized what had happened, I had been sitting in the same spot for three hours and she had been gone for two.  The clock and stiffness in my body were the only indicators I had that time had passed.  I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself.  Remembering.  Remembering.  Remembering. 

I finally called QoB, talked to her a little, and ended up getting myself an eggnog shake at McDonald’s.  I watched a movie on TV, now I’m blogging.  I’m doing what I can do to keep myself in the present.  Even if it’s something small.  Because that’s how I get through when something sparks those memories.  Because I have to. 

Loving-Kindness Meditation

May you be happy

May you be at peace

May you be protected

May you be loved

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “Posting Blind

  1. Ahem… Talbott Women DO NOT take out the trash. They may remove it from the can…they may tie it… they may even sit it on the back porch (if no dogs are about).

    If dogs make a mistake, and the trash is shredded, it is never the Talbott Woman’s fault. The Talbott Woman may occasionally, even after blame has been laid, have to pick up the shredded trash and move it onward… but Never completely to the outside trash receptacle.

    On the ideation of sitting on the couch for hours. What has come and gone, must be come and gone. One must protect one’s self from outside elements that interrupt one’s personal space and growth. If outside elements overwhelm the spirit and physical being of one’s self, it has become too much.

    First, foremost, last, and least… to thine ownself be true. The rest of it may follow after the important business of the day is at rest. And if not at rest..first, and foremost… well, ya gotta know the rest of that spiel. …XOXO How ’bout those bears?

    Like

  2. Funny, I don’t take out the trash either…or clean out the fridge of yucky left overs. My excuse is that I have a weak stomach and if something has gone bad or smells not quite right I will be lucky if I make it to the bathroom. So I stick the entire trash can outside if it is too full to stuff something else into. Our big discussion is when it is time to clean the bunny’s cage, it is too cold to stick the entire cage outside. Hang in there..winters are hard for me too.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s