Today was my second day off in a row, and have spent the evening contemplating not blogging, although just this morning I was looking forward to it.
Overall, life is great. Matt and I are happy together, making adjustments to living together, to not being alone. I probably wish he’d take out the trash more often and he probably wishes I wouldn’t bug him about it so much, but overall it’s good. Our biggest issue has been trying to work around each other schedules, since he works second shift and I work pretty much whatever gets thrown at me.
We’re both on the hunt for new jobs, me for something more stable and higher-paying, him for something he fits into better. I know things will work out in the long run. Neither one of us are going to end up as an unemployment statistic, pretty sure. Watching the news for too long poisons my mind. All I need is a quick call to QoB to really steady myself, even though these days I have it pretty well figured out by the time I pick up the phone.
I didn’t go to DBT this week. I saw Goddess of Mindfulness, who said it wasn’t terrible necessary since I’m doing well and could save a little gas by not going. So I didn’t. And it felt great. Sometimes I don’t know what I get out of that group. If anything, if maybe I’m not trying enough and there’s something I SHOULD be getting out of it that I haven’t found yet. I’m really not sure. For right now, for this week, I’m okay without it.
I talked to a good friend of mine on the phone this morning, around 7:30. I was calling her to see if she wanted to have dinner, and she ended up telling me about some things that are going on in her life that went on in a time in my life that I choose to not think about, to keep my sanity, to stay alive. Because I didn’t know how to say no, because I couldn’t lie and say I had a dentist’s appointment, I agreed that she could come over during her lunch break and talk about these things.
And before I knew it, I was back in that place again. It wasn’t like being slapped in the face. It was like being punched in the nose, kicked in the stomach, and thrown to the ground. She said a few words, cried a little, asked some questions. And I was there. I was there and I was all over the place and I couldn’t get myself to come back.
By the time I finally realized what had happened, I had been sitting in the same spot for three hours and she had been gone for two. The clock and stiffness in my body were the only indicators I had that time had passed. I spent the rest of the day feeling sorry for myself. Remembering. Remembering. Remembering.
I finally called QoB, talked to her a little, and ended up getting myself an eggnog shake at McDonald’s. I watched a movie on TV, now I’m blogging. I’m doing what I can do to keep myself in the present. Even if it’s something small. Because that’s how I get through when something sparks those memories. Because I have to.
May you be happy
May you be at peace
May you be protected
May you be loved