Avoidance

It has been over two weeks since I have last blogged.  Almost three, in fact.  And I really haven’t been keeping it up too well since August, even though I see it as a valuable tool.  I have been choosing not to use it. 

Don’t get me wrong.  I get on the computer at least once a day, with the time available, and think to myself, “I should blog.”  And there’s a part of me that desperately wants to.  It’s not for lack of things to blog about, that’s for sure.  Even if I were to just blog about daily happenings, I have fodder.  And I know if I would blog, I would feel better, even if I’m not feeling bad.  It’s just a good feeling to put thoughts to words, to let the jumble in my head fall out onto the screen. 

Instead, I come up with an excuse.  I tell myself I don’t have enough time, that I’ll do it later, will make up anything in order to walk away from the computer.  And I’m left with all of this unprocessed thought rattling around in my head, making me dizzy. 

After what I went through this spring (if you’re new, read anything between April and June), I came through with a drastically different outlook on life.  I had therapy today with Goddess of Mindfulness, and we talked about how different my life is now.  We talked about exactly what happened, that in a sense turned the key for me, that let me see that my life could be vastly different, that I as a person could be and feel so dramatically different. 

Once I realized that I didn’t have to live my life numb, hateful, miserable, struggling struggling STRUGGLING, letting my past and my emotions control my life, I think I really wasn’t sure what to do next.  For 27 years, there was always something for me to fixate negative energy on, whether real or (more often) created by my own over-anxious imagination.  Suddenly, I was focused on feeling better, feeling amazing really, and I let myself get a bit caught up in it. 

And was totally caught up, oblivious, until I leaned back in time and ripped out that old “I AM MISERABLE” headline from the Rose Daily Times and decided that I needed to make some huge life changes (namely moving out of the country and getting the hell away from everything I know) in order to be satisfied. 

Right after I went through that change, some other pretty big changes happened.  Namely Matt.  And yes, everything with him is as truly wonderful as it could be.   

But I can be happy, and still have the potential to be happier.  I can feel good and still feel better.  And I can be non-symptomatic and still have ideas and thoughts and feelings that are troubling to me.  I can’t pretend that I figured all of that out on my own in the last 24 hours, but I can tell you that I’m relieved to know it and own it now. 

And starting, um, tomorrow, or maybe in a few hours, I’ll put some of those ideas and thoughts and feelings into words. 

Expect to hear more from me.

As for my YouTubes at the end of each post, I’ve decided to start posting a song I was listening to while blogging on each post,  unless there’s just something terribly appropriate. 

Nickel Creek, Sabra Girl

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One thought on “Avoidance

  1. Now I believe that you should blog no matter how you feel, be it good, bad, or indifferent. I always say a similar thing in my support group, you should always come no matter how you feel.

    Pasha

    Like

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