The Mother of Avoidance — Denial

This blog is in a state of serious disrepair and neglect.  Am I, in turn, in a state of serious disrepair and neglect?

It feels like all I’ve done in November and December is sleep and work.  And really, that’s about the state of it.  Am I working too much?  Absolutely not.  I’m still technically part-time, and 40-hour work weeks are rare.  Recently, it’s been tough to get more than 28. 

But DAMN, it feels like all I’m d0ing is working.  And sleeping.  I knew going in that working a second-shift schedule was going to be rough, but it’s sapping the life out of me.  I have no energy.  It doesn’t help that I’m doing absolutely nothing to make that any better. 

Everything you read, everything you hear tells you that routine is essential to preventing mania and depression in bipolar persons.  When I’m doing my best, when I’m clicking on all cylinders, I’m on a set schedule.  A pretty rigid one, really. 

At this point, bedtime means nothing to me.  Getting up at the same time means nothing.  Regular meals.  Forget it.  My rigid schedule right now is that there is little rhyme or reason or pattern to my habits.  I have, in fact, stopped many good habits (blogging, exercising, eating normally, reading, bedtime rituals, “me” time, going to my parents’ for dinner, calling my sister) and went on with the bad ones (napping all the time and not sleeping at night, eating irregularly and eating junk when I do eat, avoid avoid AVOID). 

I don’t feel like shit.  Yet.  I do know, in my brain, in my gut, that if I keep up this anti-schedule routine, I’m in for a fall.  And I don’t want that. 

And I just got off the phone with QoB and she already knew this “gotta get it together” blog was coming.  I’m pretty predictable.

So  yes, this is my post-holiday get-it-together post.  My little self-pep-talk, if you will.  I know how bad it can get, I know it can get worse, and I know how to keep it from getting there.  And this is the post where I vow to:

1)  Work at getting a better shift schedule.  At least so I’m not closing every night.

2)  Wake up and go to bed at regular intervals.  No naps.

3)  Eat regular meals with minimal junk.

I think I’m keeping it simple.  I could say I’ll quit smoking and start exercising five times a week, but I should probably tackle the basics at this point. 

From the bootleg series, vol.8 Tell Tale Signs, Rare and Unreleased  1989-2006 (a double-CD that I received from QoB and DHut for Christmas that has me wanting to hump my computer speaker…seriously, just listen)…

Bob Dylan, Red River Shore


One thought on “The Mother of Avoidance — Denial

  1. First of all… taking your mother’s name in vain is catamount (sp??) to taking Our Dear Lord’s name in vain. “The Mother of Avoidance” …WTF! 😀

    Yes, IMHO you are in a serious state of disrepair and neglect. And thus it reflects in this blog, and with you. Being a T-Woman, one is more capable of stretching the envelope much farther than an envelope should be stretched. But everything(one) does have a tearing point.

    Is our goal to stretch it so far out that we must begin again? I would challenge MsSmrtPants to do a quick lookback at her own posts a year ago, perhaps thru’ the early spring. Is this where one wants to reside? I think not.

    “Everything you read, everything you hear tells you that routine is essential to preventing mania and depression in bipolar persons,” quotes Ms. SmrtiePants.

    So now we understand why we can ignore “everything.” Because a bajillion other opinions mean absolutely.nothing. And we should ignore that, because we are so.much.f’g.better.than.that. And “you” does not include one’s self.

    The QofB, a/k/a QofD’N, says listen to your heart. Think about where you REALLY want to be. And after that, it truly is your decision. Tick-tock, Tick-Tock, TICK-TOCK.

    ~This is a requested post… Ask and you shall receive …knock and it shall be opened unto you~

    PS Knock Knock… Who’s There? Olive. Olive Who? …XOXO


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