Gotta Do What You’ve Gotta Do

I’m barely able to keep my eyes open this morning, even though I was a good girl and went to bed at a decent time last night and got about 8 hours of sleep.  I just have energy.  I think it has a lot to do with the cyproheptadine I took last night.  My old pdoc prescribed it for me for nightmares, and it really conks me out.  I just needed to sleep last night, so I took some.  I can barely wait until I see my regular pdoc the first part of February and can try something different, because this not being able to stay asleep thing at night is just killing me.  I know it will get better, as well, once Matt and I are both off second shift, which should happen here in the next couple of weeks. 

I got off work last night at 5:00 p.m. because I switched with someone and it was amazing how much I got done that evening.  I think that’s the earliest I’ve been off work since I started working at the home improvement store, and I had almost forgotten what it’s like to have the entire evening to get missions accomplished.  It was really nice.

I went and saw QoB and DHut last night and had a pretty good time.  We’re working on my phone bill, because it’s outrageous compared to the amount of money I make.  We’re talking about dropping the cell phone that has the land-line connected to it and then just getting a regular land-line for around $35 that would be paid out of my regular paycheck and using my weekly money to do a prepaid cell phone, since I use my cell so infrequently.  Really, the only time I talk on it is when I take breaks at work and call Matt.  I get 600 minutes a month, my bill rolls over on the 4th, and I’ve only used 200 minutes on it.  Unfortunately, the plan I am on is the cheapest one I can do and still get my landline for $10/month.  I think it will be a lot cheaper in the long run to pay off my contract and switch like QoB and I talked about last night.  It will be a huge relief not to have to come up with almost $100 every month out of my weekly allotment every month.  It’s just too hard to keep track of that way. 

I got pretty grouchy with Matt last night.  Sometimes I get so damn tired of him playing his damn computer games.  He’s obsessed with this game called “Fallout 3” and it’s unbelievably hard to get him to get up from his computer at night.  Then, he doesn’t want to get up in the morning because he stayed up too late playing his game.  I think it mostly annoys me because I stay up and wait for him to get off work so we can spend together, and then he won’t reciprocate and get up at a decent time in the morning.  So really, it’s not so much the playing of the game that irritates me, it’s that I don’t feel like my effort is being reciprocated.  I tried to talk to him about it yesterday and just ended up pissed off, because he says that he is literally “addicted” to his game, that it was just like me saying I would quit smoking. 

I think that was just a jab because I’ve been saying the entire time we have been together that I want to quit.  And I haven’t and honestly haven’t even made a real go at it.  I think he definitely doesn’t realize how difficult it is to stop and maybe I am not so motivated to quit right now.  When I quit before for a year and a half, I was internally motivated, but other people wanting me to quit smoking really doesn’t do anything for me except to maybe make me feel guilty, but not guilty enough to quit.  I have to want to quit for myself.  I know I’ll get there, I’m just not there yet.  As I said last post, I have some other things I need to get taken care of first, like getting my sleep regulated, getting back into a routine (argh exercise), and eating normally.  And I want to do a Klonopin taper sometime here within the next several months, preferably over the summer when I am in better spirits.  Everything I’ve heard and read about Klonopin withdrawl says that smoking is craved more when the Klonopin is leaving the body for good.

And I am so dreading this Klonopin taper, although I want to get off of it more than I am worried.  My body is at a point where it is just physically dependent on it and it’s really doing nothing to me.  I’m at a level where I take it just so I don’t get sick, and I think the fact that my body is craving more is one thing interfering with my sleep.  To test this theory, I took two extra 1 mg tabs the other night, and slept just fine.  When I just take my regular 2 mg at night, I have serious problems staying asleep.  I just feel so restless and my mind races and I friggin’ can’t stay asleep. 

The cyproheptadine really did work last night, and I have quite a bit left from my old pdoc, but I don’t like the hangover effect.  I tried taking Rozerum again (previously prescribed) with no results and have a little bit of Lunesta that I’ve pondered trying again.  But I think it really boils down to my body being physically dependent on Klonopin and craving more, thus keeping me awake. 

I think that, at the time, the Klonopin did good things for me and left me able to function; however, I’m not sure that I understood how addictive it can be and I certainly feel like I should have been on a different dosing schedule.  At one point I was up to 9 mg a day and was taking it PRN, plus a scheduled dose.  I think it’s the scheduled dose that really killed me, because that’s what I’m stuck with now.  I’m hoping my pdoc will have some sort of great ideas as to how I can go off it without losing my mind and not sleeping.  I’m really ready to sleep all the way through the  night.  Even seven hours would be nice. 

I’m doing today and last night what I need to do to get my life back on track.  I took no naps yesterday, did laundry, visited Mom and DHut, talked to my sister on the phone for 30 minutes, blogged, ate a normal dinner plus an evening snack, and went to bed at a decent time.  It sounds easy, but it’s not and it is going to take some getting used to.  All I can do is force myself through it until it becomes habit again.  I know the time will come when I’ll just fall back into the routine and, as I said before, I think that will be a whole lot easier when I am getting better shifts (which I did ask for yesterday and put in a new availability sheet). 

I am totally loving my new Bob Dylan CD. 

From Tell Tale Signs, Vol.8, Rare and Unreleased  1989-2006

Bob Dylan, Mississipi Version #2

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2 thoughts on “Gotta Do What You’ve Gotta Do

  1. My husband was “addicted” to Ever Quest for a long time and it almost flunked him out of med school b/c he would skip classes to stay home to play. I am not sure it is as hard as quiting smoking (I have quit twice and haven’t had one in almost 3 years now) but it is hard. We have had this same argument but now there isn’t time for games. I am glad that you are blogging again. Routine is hard to find and keep to for anyone and lack of good sleep would make it even harder. Sounds like you know what you need to do and are on your way to making it happen.

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