I have a lot to say tonight. So much, that I know I will forget some of it, that I won’t get it down on paper and that thought will be lost until I think it again. All of these tiny thoughts, big thoughts left in the dark. Dead, really, until I can find them again.
I am an impulsive and emotional person, although less so than at some times in my life. If I were writing the blog right now that I thought I was going to be writing when I thought about blogging but didn’t have time five hours ago, you would have received a long rant about Matt. Which I would have felt bad about and then deleted.
This isn’t about Matt. This is what I know about myself.
In the space of hours, years, months, seconds, I realize things about myself that I have refused to accept but have been there just the same.
My feelings are hurt easily. I think everything is all about me. I am bossy, demanding, judgemental. I set unrealistic expectations of myself and others and am outraged when I disappoint myself or someone else doesn’t come through. I won’t say if something small hurts my feelings. I collect these like firewood and explode over something even smaller, making it seem as if I over-exaggerate. Which I also do. Imagine being a person that exaggerates, and then that person over-exaggerates. It might be comical if it didn’t hurt so much.
I have wounds that are still healing, that break open sometimes, and I don’t acknowledge it or I over-acknowledge it. In other places, I have put up stone walls with razor wire tops. I do not forgive easily, if I forgive at all. I never forget. I will always remember what you said or did that one time when it is convenient for me to do so. Unless it is more convenient to be numb, and that I can certainly do.
I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately. I can fall asleep, but I can’t stay asleep. I wake up every hour, on the hour, almost down to the minute. When I wake up, I am wide awake for about five to ten minutes and then fall asleep like a zombie again. And then up again. This is very frustrating. It does not help that I am having recurring outrageously realistic nightmares. This does not make me want to sleep. It makes me afraid to sleep, which keeps me up. I am torn. I know I need to sleep, have to sleep, but I can’t sleep sometimes, and then sometimes I can’t stay awake. This becomes very frustrating when it happens every night.
I am having more half-awake, half-asleep activity than I have for awhile. I am talking in my half-sleep, my body is twitching and I feel sometimes as if I have been electrocuted, only to dim back into gray again. This concerns me, but I don’t like to think about it too much.
Because really, I’ve had enough anxiety lately. For the past month, maybe more, I’m having mood and anxiety problems in the evening. I get cranky, pick fights, snap at my mother, say and think outrageous things, and at times have a general sense of unease. I feel fine in the morning, good even, until about 4:00 p.m. or, if I am working, until I get out of work and have been out for about an hour.
Part of me wonders if I am not having withdrawal issues with my meds. I take all of them in the evening, usually around 10:00 p.m. Are they wearing off? There is also the possibility that my nightmares are freaking me out so much that it makes all of the evening stuff worse. Or maybe I have sleep apnea, high blood pressure. I really don’t know. I haven’t had a primary care physician for awhile now, thank you Medicaid.
On my to-do list:
1) Attend therapy tomorrow with Goddess of Mindfulness.
2) Make for absolute certain sure that I make it to my next pdoc appointment, on the 2nd.
3) Pray for patience.
Bob Dylan, Series of Dreams from Tell-Tale Signs – Bootleg Series Volume 8 (see comments for lyrics)