The Thoughts That Weren’t Lost

I have a lot to say tonight.  So much, that I know I will forget some of it, that I won’t get it down on paper and that thought will be lost until I think it again.  All of these tiny thoughts, big thoughts left in the dark.  Dead, really, until I can find them again. 

I am an impulsive and emotional person, although less so than at some times in my life.  If I were writing the blog right now that I thought I was going to be writing when I thought about blogging but didn’t have time five hours ago, you would have received a long rant about Matt.  Which I would have felt bad about and then deleted. 

This isn’t about Matt.  This is what I know about myself.

In the space of hours, years, months, seconds, I realize things about myself that I have refused to accept but have been there just the same.

My feelings are hurt easily.  I think everything is all about me.  I am bossy, demanding, judgemental.  I set unrealistic expectations of myself and others and am outraged when I disappoint myself or someone else doesn’t come through.  I won’t say if something small hurts my feelings.  I collect these like firewood and explode over something even smaller, making it seem as if I over-exaggerate.  Which I also do.  Imagine being a person that exaggerates, and then that person over-exaggerates.  It might be comical if it didn’t hurt so much.

I have wounds that are still healing, that break open sometimes, and I don’t acknowledge it or I over-acknowledge it.  In other places, I have put up stone walls with razor wire tops.  I do not forgive easily, if I forgive at all.  I never forget.  I will always remember what you said or did that one time when it is convenient for me to do so.  Unless it is more convenient to be numb, and that I can certainly do.

I have been having a lot of problems sleeping lately.  I can fall asleep, but I can’t stay asleep.  I wake up every hour, on the hour, almost down to the minute.  When I wake up, I am wide awake for about five to ten minutes and then fall asleep like a zombie again.  And then up again.  This is very frustrating.  It does not help that I am having recurring outrageously realistic nightmares.  This does not make me want to sleep.  It makes me afraid to sleep, which keeps me up.  I am torn.  I know I need to sleep, have to sleep, but I can’t sleep sometimes, and then sometimes I can’t stay awake.  This becomes very frustrating when it happens every night. 

I am having more half-awake, half-asleep activity than I have for awhile.  I am talking in my half-sleep, my body is twitching and I feel sometimes as if I have been electrocuted, only to dim back into gray again.  This concerns me, but I don’t like to think about it too much.

Because really, I’ve had enough anxiety lately.  For the past month, maybe more, I’m having mood and anxiety problems in the evening.  I get cranky, pick fights, snap at my mother, say and think outrageous things, and at times have a general sense of unease.  I feel fine in the morning, good even, until about 4:00 p.m. or, if I am working, until I get out of work and have been out for about an hour. 

Part of me wonders if I am not having withdrawal issues with my meds.  I take all of them in the evening, usually around 10:00 p.m.  Are they wearing off?  There is also the possibility that my nightmares are freaking me out so much that it makes all of the evening stuff worse.  Or maybe I have sleep apnea, high blood pressure.  I really don’t know.  I haven’t had a primary care physician for awhile now, thank you Medicaid. 

On my to-do list:

1)  Attend therapy tomorrow with Goddess of Mindfulness.

2)  Make for absolute certain sure that I make it to my next pdoc appointment, on the 2nd. 

3)  Pray for patience.

Bob Dylan, Series of Dreams from Tell-Tale Signs – Bootleg Series Volume 8  (see comments for lyrics)

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5 thoughts on “The Thoughts That Weren’t Lost

  1. Series of Dreams
    Bob Dylan

    I was thinking of a series of dreams
    Where nothing comes up to the top.
    Everything stays down where it’s wounded
    And comes to a permanent stop.
    Wasn’t thinking of anything specific,
    Like in a dream, when someone wakes up and screams.
    Nothing truly very scientific,
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.

    Thinking of a series of dreams
    Where the time and the tempo drag,
    And there’s no exit in any direction
    ‘Cept the one that you can’t see with your eyes.
    Wasn’t making any great connections,
    Wasn’t falling for any intricate schemes.
    Nothing that would pass inspection,
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.

    Dreams where the umbrella is folded,
    And into the path you are hurled,
    And the cards are no good that you’re holding
    Unless they’re from another world.

    In one, the surface was frozen.
    In another, I witnessed a crime.
    In one, I was running, and in another
    All I seemed to be doing was climb
    Wasn’t looking for any special assistance,
    Not going to any great extremes.
    I’d already gone the distance,
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.

    Dreams where the umbrella is folded,
    And into the path you are hurled,
    And the cards are no good that you’re holding
    Unless they’re from another world.

    I’d already gone the distance,
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.
    Just thinking of a series of dreams.

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  2. Hang in there. They say that January is the hardest month for everyone. Christmas is over, the weather is dreadful, bills are due, and nothing to really look forward to until spring. This time last year was really bad for me. I can’t imagine your frustation with sleep. This too shall pass. You have a plan so just take things one day at a time.

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  3. I am glad you wrote down your more innermost thoughts, where you can revisit them. It ain’t the small stuff, my love, it’s the innermost that can sneak up and bite you in the ass.

    Practice willingness, hug an f’g tree for Pete’s sake. Know you are worth it. Yeppers, you have a lot of flaws. So do we all. You just take yours sooo much more seriously. There’s a reason at two that Andy/Lucy dubbed you Sara Bernhardt. 🙂

    Practice meditation. You’ll never be the next Dalai Lama. But you don’t need to be. So here we go… And never forget… I am a child of this generation…

    The Dalai Lama has been acknowledged by Tibetan Buddhists to be a reincarnation of the God of Compassion and by the world in general to be a Nobel Peace Prize winner but few know him to be a practicing meditator. All his life, he has been surrounded by masters of meditation and has been initiated into many different techniques. It is therefore appropriate that we pay attention when he points out one method so valuable that he does it everyday:

    Remember when you were a kid and they often had cartoons where someone had a devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other and they were whispering into an ear — one encouraging doing “bad” and one doing “good”. In a way, that’s the basis of the Dalai Lama Meditation technique.

    Sit quietly, calmly with eyes closed, as relaxed yet aware as you can be. Visualize yourself on the left side of your minds eye as you would appear to yourself and others in a moment of impatience. Really see this inner vision. Watch your face, observe your body language. What does your impatient self look like? On the right side of your minds eye, see yourself when you are very patient. What do you look like when you have a lifetime of time. As tense as you appeared on the left as your impatient self, see yourself as relaxed in your patience on the right. Now on the left side, see yourself as you appear when you’re depressed. Look carefully. How does that make you feel? Can you be aware of the aura of doom and gloom you’re radiating? And then, on the right side of your minds eye, see yourself as you are when you’re joyous. Merge with that happiness. Know how others would see you.

    Continue seeing all the seemingly negative feelings and behaviors on the inner left-hand side of your minds eye and the opposite on the right. On the left, see yourself as jealous and on the right as how you appear when you are truly glad for someone else’s sucess or happiness. On the left, see the bigoted you and on the right, the all-embracing. On the left the mean, on the right the sweet. See the stupid you and the brilliant. See the clumsy and the graceful. On the left, see the unsatisfied and on the right, the contented.

    Go on and on, becoming familiar with the “you” on the left and the opposite “you” on the right. Then see the total “you” who would be there on the left if none of the characteristics of the right side were present.

    Now see the “you” who would be the totality of yourself with the right side only if none of the behaviors and feelings of the left side “you” had ever appeared.

    The Dalai Lama tells us that there is nothing else necessary because just by seeing your negative left-side self, you will become so disgusted with yourself when you witness yourself acting in any of the left side ways that you will automatically cease any of those actions and start doing and feeling the right-side actions. Eventually, you will become the right-side you exclusively. Eventually, you will have peace, compassion, wisdom, good health, patience, and all the other glorious aspects of life.

    This technique has the potential to change your life profoundly for the better. It is one of the best antidotes for negativity. It is consistent with his unlimited compassion that the Dalai Lama has shared it with us

    SO SAYS Dalai Lama. Now I perhaps think within a part of this, there is a bit of shit, because we don’t have the ability to live that serene of a life. However, there is truth to it.

    ….XOXO

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