I am fairly out of it this morning…keep that in mind as you are reading and wondering if I am drunk. 🙂
Between starting a new job, tapering off Klonopin, and taking care of an unemployed and depressed Dr. Love, I have failed to blog regularly. I believe my last blog was almost a month ago. I believe that not blogging also has to do with being stuck in survival mode.
I haven’t ever had a real 8-5 job and working 40 hours a week is FUCKING HARD. I come home exhausted, I wake up feeling energized but somewhat in a fog, only to start all over again. Add to that the fact that this job has been royally fucked by those who did it before me and that I am basically having to reinvent the wheel. At least I am being appreciated, though. I like the people I am working with and am very thankful that my office and most of my contacts are in reentry and not mental health. I know I haven’t been working there long enough to pass any judgement, but it is tiresome to go over to MH for meetings or whatnot and to hear all the gloom and doom about our contract and the state of the economy.
The thing is, my job is stable. They need my position, won’t cut it, and won’t give it to someone else who is already working there because that didn’t work before (hence why I am reinventing the wheel). And, as QoB tells me, HR plans for the kind of things like layoffs and the economy and they wouldn’t have hired me a couple of weeks ago to cut my position now. The more I talk to everyone and realize how needed my position is, the more confident I am that it will stay intact. Even if my company doesn’t sign the contract, mental health and medical services are mandated in state prisons, and another company would just take over our positions. Even if that meant a cut in pay, I would still rock it out because that would mean I would still have a job.
I started a Klonopin taper a few weeks ago. The doctor wanted me to step down every week by 0.5 mg until I was off (I was on 2mg) even though I told him that I didn’t think now was a good time. So, I stepped from 2 to 1.5 the first week and really had no problems. then I went from 1.5mg to 1mg and let me tell you, I was pretty sure that things were going to go down the shitter. I was anxious, had awful muscle twitching, couldn’t sleep, felt fuzzy in the head, and had GI problems. After having an awful weekend right before the Monday that I was supposed to start work, I knew that I couldn’t continue decreasing at that rate, so I bumped it up to 1.25mg and am feeling much better.
I think I will be stepping down to 1mg now starting on Monday and am confident that I will be able to do it. As my body is letting go of the dependence on Klonopin, I am feeling clearer and sleeping fairly soundly. Well, much sounder than I would like, really. Because I have been so tired from my job, I have been sleeping clear through the night without getting up to pee, which I normally do two or three times a night. This means that my body still needs to pee and I am asleep; therefore, I pee the bed. I know, it’s disgusting. I have decreased my fluid intake and am fairly worried that I may have the beginnings of diabetes as I have other warning signs. Again, no primary care physician will take me with my state sponsored insurance. So, I continue to flail medically.
I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and have already lost four pounds. I have been eating really well and exercising somewhat sporadically, and really enjoy the online system that they have. There are all kinds of recipes and tools to use that make life easier. And Dr. Love has said many times how he appreciates having a hot and healthy meal for dinner and good-for-you snacks in the pantry and fridge.
Dr. Love has seen better days. He has been fairly depressed lately, although he is still applying for jobs and receiving rejection letter after rejection letter. Also, there are very few jobs out there to even apply for. He is finally at a point where he is applying for almost anything. We are okay because I can put a roof over my head and food on the table just like I did before he was here, but not working really gets to him. And I don’t blame him. I do my best to keep him active, but there is only so much I can do.
Dido, Don’t Leave Home
She says this is about addiction, not love. I can see that, but I can see it in many other ways.