Falling Off the Face of the Earth

I am fairly out of it this morning…keep that in mind as you are reading and wondering if I am drunk.  🙂

Between starting a new job, tapering off Klonopin, and taking care of an unemployed and depressed Dr. Love, I have failed to blog regularly.  I believe my last blog was almost a month ago.  I believe that not blogging also has to do with being stuck in survival mode. 

I haven’t ever had a real 8-5 job and working 40 hours a week is FUCKING HARD.  I come home exhausted, I wake up feeling energized but somewhat in a fog, only to start all over again.  Add to that the fact that this job has been royally fucked by those who did it before me and that I am basically having to reinvent the wheel.  At least I am being appreciated, though.  I like the people I am working with and am very thankful that my office and most of my contacts are in reentry and not mental health.  I know I haven’t been working there long enough to pass any judgement, but it is tiresome to go over to MH for meetings or whatnot and to hear all the gloom and doom about our contract and the state of the economy. 

The thing is, my job is stable.  They need my position, won’t cut it, and won’t give it to someone else who is already working there because that didn’t work before (hence why I am reinventing the wheel).  And, as QoB tells me, HR plans for the kind of things like layoffs and the economy and they wouldn’t have hired me a couple of weeks ago to cut my position now.  The more I talk to everyone and realize how needed my position is, the more confident I am that it will stay intact.  Even if my company doesn’t sign the contract, mental health and medical services are mandated in state prisons, and another company would just take over our positions.  Even if that meant a cut in pay, I would still rock it out because that would mean I would still have a job. 

I started a Klonopin taper a few weeks ago.  The doctor wanted me to step down every week by  0.5 mg until I was off (I was on 2mg) even though I told him that I didn’t think now was a good time.  So, I stepped from 2 to 1.5 the first week and really had no problems.  then I went from 1.5mg to 1mg and let me tell you, I was pretty sure that things were going to go down the shitter.  I was anxious, had awful muscle twitching, couldn’t sleep, felt fuzzy in the head, and had GI problems.  After having an awful weekend right before the Monday that I was supposed to start work, I knew that I couldn’t continue decreasing at that rate, so I bumped it up to 1.25mg and am feeling much better. 

I think I will be stepping down to 1mg now starting on Monday and am confident that I will be able to do it.  As my body is letting go of the dependence on Klonopin, I am feeling clearer and sleeping fairly soundly.  Well, much sounder than I would like, really.  Because I have been so tired from my job, I have been sleeping clear through the night without getting up to pee, which I normally do two or three times a night.  This means that my body still needs to pee and I am asleep; therefore, I pee the bed.  I know, it’s disgusting.  I have decreased my fluid intake and am fairly worried that I may have the beginnings of diabetes as I have other warning signs.  Again, no primary care physician will take me with my state sponsored insurance.  So, I continue to flail medically. 

I started Weight Watchers two weeks ago and have already lost four pounds.  I have been eating really well and exercising somewhat sporadically, and really enjoy the online system that they have.  There are all kinds of recipes and tools to use that make life easier.  And Dr. Love has said many times how he appreciates having a hot and healthy meal for dinner and good-for-you snacks in the pantry and fridge. 

Dr. Love has seen better days.  He has been fairly depressed lately, although he is still applying for jobs and receiving rejection letter after rejection letter.  Also, there are very few jobs out there to even apply for.  He is finally at a point where  he is applying for almost anything.  We are okay because I can put a roof over my head and food on the table just like I did before he was here, but not working really gets to him.  And I don’t blame him.  I do my best to keep him active, but there is only so much I can do. 

Dido, Don’t Leave Home

She says this is about addiction, not love.  I can see that, but I can see it in many other ways. 


5 thoughts on “Falling Off the Face of the Earth

  1. Spring is on it’s way and all of us will feel much better. I hear you about the 9 hour working day. It takes a while to get into the swing of things but your body/mind will adjust. The routine is good for you and soon you won’t know what to do without it. I worked for a long time then took some time off (aka couldn’t find a job for almost a year when we first moved to PA) and stayed home with my kids. When I did get a job it was really hard to get used to working all day every day again (I really missed my afternoon naptime with the kids). Something that has always helped me is packing good food for the day. Not just lunch but breakfast (if you are like me and can’t eat before I leave because I am rushing out the door) and snacks. It helps keep me energized during the day and I try (key word) to drink lots of water. I had a REALLY hard time dealing with the fact that I couldn’t find a job. I have an MBA and 8 years of experience in my field and it still took 9 months and I am still not thrilled with my job. It was just as hard on our marriage because I was resentful of Bret, felt guilty because I didn’t want to stay home with the kids (although I think I would have enjoyed staying home more if money wasn’t an issue and I wasn’t facing the rejection of not getting the jobs), and just the feeling of failure. Hang in there. Hopefully he will get a job soon and it is good that you realize there is only so much you can do.


  2. Blogging, yes, is a good thing. 8-5 will become a blessing, even tho’ it doesn’t seem so right now. It is exactly.what.you.need at this point in your life.

    Health issues? Ah hell, we all have ’em. I believe the key to that is to be aware of them, but not let them run one’s life…as they are apt to do if one allows it. It ain’t rocket science. It’s just a matter of figuring out what one will and will not do or tolerate.

    And as Adriana says (in a roundabout sort of way) … a lot of it is still just schedule, habit, routine. Once it begins to click, it’s easier to deal with.

    One can have all the smarts, diplomas, and good-will intentions in the world… it still takes time to find a right fit for a job.

    Love ya, and I believe journaling your struggles and triumphs is helpful. Survival mode has its good points…as long as it doesn’t become a rut or habit ….XOXO


  3. Hey there Rose,

    I don’t know that I have much to say here, as I’m an HR Director for a multi-media company, but you know me as Owen’s mom – mysteryoriley.

    I can confirm that jobs are hard to come by, but who doesn’t know that nowadays? I can also tell you that there’s no such thing as a perfect job – but you already know that. I can also tell you that a 40-hour workweek is almost a gift right now (I work more than 50 hours most weeks, and a 60-hour week doesn’t even freak me out anymore). I can also say that I’ve not spent a month in the last 20 years without looking for a better job. It didn’t always mean that I was unhappy with my current position, it just meant (and means, now) that I think there’s always something better out there.

    Hang in there. Do your best. Consider your options. And, keep your eye on what helps you be the healthiest person you can be. That’s what’s ultimately the most important – you. Keep us posted.

    I love your blog. You make me smile. And, in a world of too few smiles, you’re doing us all a service.



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