My inner self-critic has been working overtime lately. It has led to a lot of anxiety, leading to tummy problems, sleepless nights, crying spells. Granted, life has been a bit stressful lately, but DAMN. I hate feeling this way.
Of course, I need to start doing something about this — panic attacks are just no fun at all. I saw Goddess of Mindfulness last night after work and she suggested that I need to be practicing mindfulness. We talked about my “all or nothing/black and white” thinking and how this creates a chain of anxiety that doesn’t end and is hard to interrupt.
I spend so much time obsessing about life, wanting to CONTROL my life and experiences, instead of just experiencing it. I have recently acknowledged that I need to start living life, taking risks, stepping outside my comfort zone, accepting friendship and happiness that is being extended to me. Life is about more than survival, a lesson that Dr. Love is trying to teach me.
My thinking can be so rigid sometimes. If even small things don’t go the way I want them to, I panic and have extreme anxiety. Sometimes it gets to the point where I can’t leave the house because when I leave, I know things will be out of my control. The unexpected, the uncertain terrifies me. I have let small anxieties about life turn into major phobias — friendships, spontanaity, anything that is out of my control is completely out of the question.
This turns into an issue at times with Dr. Love. He hates to plan anything, likes to do things at the last minute — and I just don’t roll like that. I have come a long long way as far as being less rigid in my thinking and having the even momentary ability to accept change for what it is, but I’m nowhere close to being able to really LIVE my life. I am having absolutely no fun at all, I’m just surviving.
The pity is that this is what I’m comfortable with. I avoid happiness and things that I enjoy like the plague, because it means that I might have to relinquish control over my feelings and my circumstances. I have a specific protocol for almost everything in life, and when circumstances vary from how I think it should be, I freak out. And I don’t mean a little bit. I freak THE HELL OUT.
So what this all comes down to is that I need to practice mindfulness and living in the moment. In my mind, everything is very much not okay if things aren’t perfect. I let every little thing get to me and then I obsess about it, leading to anxiety, leading to panic attacks, leading to an inability to function — when really, everything in the bigger picture is just fine.
And now I think I should post this because my inner self-critic is telling me that this post is a piece of crap, that it rambles and rambles, is uninteresting. I wish I could leave myself alone, cut myself a break, give myself the benefit of the doubt.