The Battle Goes On

So I realize I have been totally absent from the blogosphere since right around my sister’s wedding, and, in truth, have been avoiding really any social contact at all since then.  My head knows that blogging and getting out and being around people is good for me, but I end up talking myself out of it.  The painful sinking depression that always catches up with me in late fall reared it’s ugly head right around the time after Ab’s wedding. 

Part of me thinks it was just trying to hold out for that event, so that she could have her special day.  At any rate, I’m really glad I felt good for it.  It was amazing and beautiful and everything I had hoped it would be.  It was such an honor that I could be a part of her special day, behind-the-scenes, watching her get ready, getting to see her and Kyle exchange their vows from just a few feet away.  I even got teary at a few points during the service, which I did not expect at all, as I never shed tears of joy or happiness.  I don’t really have any pics from the wedding to speak of, but will try to get my hands on a few that I can post.

About a week ago I started to come out of this funk a little bit.  My pdoc prescribed the anti-depressant Cymbalta at a very low dose (as so to prevent mania) and I think it has helped tremendously.  That, along with some accomodations made for me at work so I can do my job without ridiculous amounts of stress over being there on time, along with getting some good feedback from my co-workers and supervisor has been really helpful.  I can’t say that I feel great about the work I have put out lately, but I know that I am somehow still getting my job done and, with the flex schedule, have had less stress to deal with and anxiety about getting fired.  I have also been spending some time in the a.m. sitting in front of my natural-light lamp and I think, along with really waking me up, it has helped me weather the gloomy skies and all.the.snow.  And I mean it, this winter has been a winter for snow.

As another way to deal with the ickiness I have been feeling, I started a DBT group again this week.  It’s a different one at a different place that I was going before, but it’s all the same material and skills.  I have been allowed to do it in the middle of the week during the work-day, which I am appreciative of, and really hope that I can get refreshed with my skills and work at making life liveable again. 

My goal, as always, is to blog more consistently.  I know I can’t be perfect (deep down in my brain, anyway), but I am trying to establish a morning routine.  Sitting in front of my sun lamp is a priority, and it’s right on top of my desk.  Rather than randomly searching the Internet (which gets boring after awhile, really), I’d like to put that time to good use and take that time to blog.  I know when I was really blogging a lot and had quite a bit of support online, that it helped me through hard times.  I hope that this blog can become that again. 

A song I have been obsessed with this winter:

James Blunt, Tears and Rain

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3 thoughts on “The Battle Goes On

  1. “Tears And Rain”

    How I wish I could surrender my soul;
    Shed the clothes that become my skin;
    See the liar that burns within my needing.
    How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
    How I wish I had screamed out loud,
    Instead I’ve found no meaning.

    I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
    All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
    Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
    I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
    It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

    How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;
    Hold memory close at hand,
    Help me understand the years.
    How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.
    How I wish I would save my soul.
    I’m so cold from fear.

    I guess it’s time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,
    All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
    Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.
    I’ve heard what they say, but I’m not here for trouble.
    Far, far away; find comfort in pain.
    All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
    It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

    Tears and Rain.

    Tears and Rain.

    Far, far away; find comfort in pain,
    All pleasure’s the same: it just keeps me from trouble.
    It’s more than just words: it’s just tears and rain.

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  2. Oh hellyeah…. I surely understand tears. And most definitively understand rain/snow… witness my floors.

    Ahem… I never find comfort in pain. Ever. ’tis always a place I run from, screaming and wretching, and moving forward.

    But Dorian Gray….. My God, what a familiar name. I WILL NOT cheat and google. I keep thinking “the Elephant Man.” And then my poor brain lapses to… didn’t Michael Jackson own that once? 😀 And then I begin to think of poor ol’ Michael. Then think about my fall down the stairs… and …. ’tis all about me, isn’t it? 😀

    Good to “see” ya, blogwise. Can’t hurt. Might help. XOXO

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