Removing a Brick From the Wall of Rose

So, I have had kind of  hard week, especially toward the end.  My sleep has been totally off, which is always certain to create a bipolar glitch.  Or perhaps is always indicative, a mere symptom, of a bipolar glitch.  Really, it’s just a viscious cycle, wherein I sleep less, I start to get agitated, therin sleeping less, getting more agitated.  You get the point.

Dr. Love has been very patient and supportive this week.  Not that he isn’t in general, but he’s been helping me by packing my lunches for me, making sure I was up on time for some early morning meetings I had this week, and, as always, doing everything in his power to make me laugh and force me kicking and screaming help me to relax.  It’s amazing to have support and love like that in my life and I would gladly go through all the painful relationships I have had in the past over again if I knew I would end up with him.

DBT was somewhat difficult this week.  It is really frustrating to be so out-of-control with my emotions all week and then come in and look at that in the middle of my work day every Wednesday.  It’s like I don’t pay attention to how emotionally dysregulated I have been and then I go into DBT and it’s all thrown in my face.  And by thrown in my face, I mean that it is literally pushed right up in front of my nose by the exercises we do, by the skills we work on, by doing my diary card.

About six weeks ago, my pdoc suggested I start taking a PRN again.  Now, back in the day, a different pdoc had me so drugged up my hair was falling out (literally).  One of the things she had me doing was to take massive amounts of Klonopin.  Goddess of Mindfulness reminds me that, during that time, I really did need quite a bit of Klonopin to function (as I wasn’t able to do such simple things as leave the house or have a conversation with someone without totally freaking out).

At that time, I went to the intensive outpatient DBT program and learned skills that helped me so that I was not taking as much Klonopin.  Also, my pdoc really weaned me down off of it, which was something I truly wanted.  I never did give it up completely, feeling that the right time had never come about to give up the maintenance dose I take at night.

Within the past three months, probably since the start of November, my anxiety has been through the roof.  I am constantly ruminating (perseverating, if you will) about any and every possible thing there could be to worry about.  To the point where my bowels are out of whack, I’m getting headaches, finding it hard to leave the house for fear of what’s out there, unable to let go of the black-and-white rigidity in my thinking, and just generally feeling fucking insane.

So, the new pdoc that I started seeing this August recommended that I start using a PRN again.  I voiced concerns about becoming dependent upon it, feeling drugged out, and so forth.  She assured me that, taken as she was prescribing it, I should have no problems.

Of course, I have been totally resistant, willful even, to taking the PRN.  At DBT this week, I was really confronted about it after sharing on my diary card that I have one but don’t take it, something Goddess of Mindfulness has also been doing.  Something someone said really started to work on me and I began thinking that the anxiety I have been feeling really must stop.

I mean, it must, because I feel like I’m going crazy and it makes me want to unscrew the top of my head and throw my brain away.   I have found myself thinking over the past week that I would do anything, and I do mean anything, to quiet my head and make that tape stop playing.

So after DBT on Wednesday, I went home and took a Klonopin PRN.  It didn’t make me feel drugged and it allowed me to go to work and be productive, not ruminating on the huge failure I have turned out to be or the status of my sick leave account or if my dog is getting enough attention from me throughout the course of the day.

I have taken one or two since then and it has really helped.  I am thankful that the members of my DBT group were there to push me along a bit and, while this anxiety is not cured and is not quite manageable yet, I can have these periods of semi-calm from time to time, a break from the spinning top that is my mind.

Norah Jones, Not Too Late


One thought on “Removing a Brick From the Wall of Rose

  1. These medications are necessary evils. They are part of the tools we use to keep us stable. Notice I say stable instead of recovery. I hate the R word. The S word makes sense to me.

    At different times we are going to need certain medications more than others. So you pill up. You do anything and every thing you can do to keep yourself stable.



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