Losing My Grip

A few weeks has passed since my last post, and I must say, my anxiety has escalated to unreal levels.  To boot, fairly severe depression has come a’calling.  To the point where I am missing work and going in late and I have blown almost every hour in my vacation and sick leave account.  Just not good at all.  So much for a Spring/Summer vacation. 

Being this depressed is really miserable.  Everything is a huge effort and expenditure of energy, from doing simple things like taking a shower and packing my lunch for work, to interacting with anyone other than a select few (and even that takes some doing) to getting ready for work in the morning.  It all becomes overwhelming and too much when really, it’s just simple.little.things.  Unfortunately, it’s those simple little things that become so difficult but are so essential to survival (going to work, duh). 

Like right now, I’m sitting here, barely able to make it through this post.  Drinking coffee and burning a candle, because that’s what I do.  Sitting in front of my sunlamp.  I’ve even taken my Cymbalta this a.m., although sometimes it seems to have no effect. 

I think a lot of this is weather related.  Damn February and snow and cold and no sun.  We had better have a nice long spring/summer/fall to make up for it.   I keep thinking that if I could just go camping, just go sit on my back porch and BBQ, that everything would feel better.  Because right now, everything hurts, physically and mentally.  Right here in this moment, I have chosen to survive it.  And sometimes that’s all you can do.

Gerard Butler Greece, Love You ‘Till the End from the movie PS I Love You

I realize I played this not too long ago, but it’s what I’ve been listening to a lot, so plug your ears if you’re sick of it.  (Did I mention all the underlying hostility I’ve been feeling?)


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