Today has been a rough day. I think it may have started with some restlessness last night (likely driven by eating too late and not getting to bed on time) which was then thoroughly compounded by the two huge slices of homemade pizza I had for breakfast at 6:00 a.m.
I sat in my computer chair this morning for a good two hours this morning, struggling to be awake when I really didn’t have to be. I’m starting to get into that pattern where I don’t like sleeping, again. Part of it is the recurrent nightmares, part of it is feeling like there is too much to do and I’m wasting time by sleeping. A few more nights like last night and I’ll be at least hypomanic by Saturday.
I hate that my eating is so out of control. My radical acceptance for the last three weeks on my diary card has been: “I have an eating disorder.” Because, really, I just rationalize ten ways to Sunday why I do what I do. I am trying to focus on working on it, and in order to do that I have to admit that there is a problem.
But sometimes it’s like, seriously, Rose? Seriously? Am I back here again with this eating bullshit? Am I really? How hard does it have to be? Eat when you’re hungry, stop when you’re full, try to get your 5+ servings of fruits and vegetables. Alas, it is much.much.much harder than that for me.
It’s irritating to have issues and to always have to stay on top of them. And it’s exhausting, really. As long as I am doing x, y, and z (my PLEASE skills, really, from my diary card), then I have a good shot at managing. As soon as my sleep starts to hit the skids, I fail to eat “normally” for a period of time (and then fall into a pattern of old habits), I stop getting out and about, then I’m done for.
Luckily, I haven’t slid too far down that slippery slope yet. My eating has really just been bad over the past few days, which totally coincides with the sleep problems. When I’m having sleep issues, I eat too much. Period.
I have plans to sleep until 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, even if it kills me. I will lay there in bed if I have to, but I am not getting up. When I get up at 8:00, I don’t have time to eat a piece of pizza for breakfast, but can wait until I get to work and have a bagel and some grapes or some such business.
Blogging tonight has helped, along with a “SMACK! You could’ve had a V-8” lecture from Dr. Love. Sometimes I just need a reality check and there is no one better at doing it without offending me than Dr. Love.
Ok, so this song is on the soundrack for Beautiful Girls, one of my most favorite movies. If you haven’t seen it, you should rush out to your local Family Video immediately and rent it for the 7 day option, because you’ll want to watch it over and over.
Another fun note about this song, Dr. Love and I have a song we sing to the Kizz with Sweet Caroline‘s melody. What can I say, we’re easily amused.
Neil Diamond, Sweet Caroline