This week has been exhausting, and it’s not even over yet. I figured out last night that I had gone since Sunday without taking any Klonopin. I very fuzzily remember taking the bottle out of the little organizer I keep my meds in to take a PRN (which I totally never do) and apparently was in a fugue state when filling my med container for the week. Klonopin withdrawal very much leads to feelings of anxiety, irritability, problems sleeping, headaches, and gastrointestinal problems.
So really, all of those unbearable little symptoms this week could have been easily avoided if I had paid a little bit more attention when I was filling my med minder and when I was taking them each night. However, I have been having those symptoms even prior to the med slip-up, so it’s hard to tell what is what.
I had an appointment with my Pdoc yesterday. Pinpointed that all of this anxiety and angst originated right about the time I made my big move into the new house, maybe a little before. Big surprise, right? Change fuels cycling. The Pdoc said she thinks I am having a mixed episode, which is always so lovely, and which I already knew. There are two kinds of mixed episodes in Bipolar I Disorder and I generally fall under the “dysphoric mania” category.
What that means basically is that I have been having a manic episode, with the overspending, impulsivity, pressured speech, grandiose ideation and without any of the happy giddiness and overly heightened “happy” feelings that come from a pure manic state. It’s not a happy, giddy mania. It’s increased energy, irritability, rage, insomnia, racing thoughts, restlessness. Basically, it’s a little slice of hell. And if I really think about it, it’s been raging for a little over a month.
But you know, these things will change, they always do. Already within the last two days I have started to feel less irritable, more responsible with money, less impulsive, so on and so forth. I still am not sleeping worth a crap, but at least my thoughts aren’t racing so much.
Another bipolar term — rapid cycling. Rapid cycling is the presence of three or more mood cycles per year. I definitely fit into that category and have for years. Sometimes, perhaps even frequently meet criteria for ultra-rapid cycling, but I try not to keep count too much of the cycling. It becomes depressing.
And that’s all I have to say about bipolar disorder today.
Johnny Cash, Hurt
Actually a song about heroin addiction, but I like it anyway.