This week has really been something. An emotional roller-coaster ride, if you will. Some good things happened, some not-so-good things happened. I don’t usually like to say that I have “survived” something, because that’s a little dramatic. I think we should reserve that for things like terrible car crashes and running out of cigarettes at three in the morning.
But, I have survived this week. I think that bears noticing, because there was not a day this week that I did not want to just check out and stare at the ceiling all day in my pajamas. I went to work every single day this week, and you know, that’s a real accomplishment for me sometimes, as GD pathetic as that sounds.
Unfortunately, I was not perfect enough in getting in my 80 hours the past two weeks. I failed to adhere to a strict 8-5 and was advised today that this was not ok. Which seemed strange, because ummm, two days ago, I believe, it was mentioned that I was moving my time around a lot “and that’s fine.” Hmmm.
I am probably expecting the worst when it is nothing. That’s most likely. I’ll have to hash it out in therapy with Goddess of Mindfulness tomorrow.
So I have moved beyond feeling feeling feeling to feeling nothing. I am not panicking, I am not anxious, I am not depressed, manic, happy, or sad. I just am. I am a lump on a chair staring at a computer and, alternately, a wall. A poorly decorated wall, at that. And I feel nothing.
You would think that would be blissful, right? A nice quiet mind and no feelings of panic, death, gloom, disaster. But no. This is the kind of quiet in my head, in my soul, my body, my spirit that suggests the clock has stopped ticking. It does seem like the only sound is the creaking of a door. I’m not sure why there’s a door in my brain, but it keeps creaking open. SLAM IT SHUT, ALREADY!
I am noticing a bit of flight of ideas, however. I notice sometimes, that when things are bad and I am all alone, I sit very still and feel the urge to say what comes to mind. I don’t mean in my usual way, like I have to say what I am thinking because I think the world needs to hear it. What it means is that the words in my head become words in my mouth and I almost choke on them. Thank God this only happens when I’m alone, or people would think I am really crazy!
I find that last sentence extremely amusing. I am even getting a little sparkle of joy from having wrote it.
Ingrid Michaelson, Keep Breathing
This song is me in this moment in time.