Click Clack

I am calm at this moment in time.  I can’t say the same as an average over approximately the past three weeks.  Just four hours ago, I was crying hysterically in a borrowed mini-van and I wasn’t sure why.

I have been crying a lot lately.  Tears of anger, of frustration, of loneliness.  I feel powerless and out-of-control.  I feel like I have no “say-so” over my work life, my personal life, my relationships with family members.

My supervisor has been on medical leave for the past two weeks.  I think that might have something to do with why I feel so insecure there.  I don’t have anyone to bounce daily things off of, no one to talk to about anything really, while I am at work.  No one to reassure me.  It is a very harsh work environment without her there.  She has been in touch by email, but minimally.  She’s on medical leave, after all.

I get paranoid and anxious about work when I don’t have feedback.  I worry about what people say and don’t say.  I worry about the looks on people’s faces and think the worst.  I get myself worked up to the point that “work is bad” and “everyone there hates me” and “I’m probably going to get fired.”  I hate that about myself.  I don’t seem to have the ability to tell myself I am doing a good job and doing what I am supposed to be doing.  I have had this problem in every job I have ever had.

I don’t like that I have this need to be patted on the head and told that everything is ok.  That I’m not a fuck-up or a bad person or that my feelings are VALID.  Sometimes that’s all I’m asking for and I can’t get it because people are tired of repeating themselves.

My dad told me today “You’re not a fuckup.  You’re a good person.”  That surprised me but it was really good to hear even though I was crying my damn eyes out at the time.

I think I just plain wear people out.  I wear myself out, just living with myself in my head.

I don’t talk about much anymore to anyone, other than my therapist.  I don’t like the reactions I get, so I stop talking.  It’s easier that way.  For everyone involved.

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