I am calm at this moment in time. I can’t say the same as an average over approximately the past three weeks. Just four hours ago, I was crying hysterically in a borrowed mini-van and I wasn’t sure why.
I have been crying a lot lately. Tears of anger, of frustration, of loneliness. I feel powerless and out-of-control. I feel like I have no “say-so” over my work life, my personal life, my relationships with family members.
My supervisor has been on medical leave for the past two weeks. I think that might have something to do with why I feel so insecure there. I don’t have anyone to bounce daily things off of, no one to talk to about anything really, while I am at work. No one to reassure me. It is a very harsh work environment without her there. She has been in touch by email, but minimally. She’s on medical leave, after all.
I get paranoid and anxious about work when I don’t have feedback. I worry about what people say and don’t say. I worry about the looks on people’s faces and think the worst. I get myself worked up to the point that “work is bad” and “everyone there hates me” and “I’m probably going to get fired.” I hate that about myself. I don’t seem to have the ability to tell myself I am doing a good job and doing what I am supposed to be doing. I have had this problem in every job I have ever had.
I don’t like that I have this need to be patted on the head and told that everything is ok. That I’m not a fuck-up or a bad person or that my feelings are VALID. Sometimes that’s all I’m asking for and I can’t get it because people are tired of repeating themselves.
My dad told me today “You’re not a fuckup. You’re a good person.” That surprised me but it was really good to hear even though I was crying my damn eyes out at the time.
I think I just plain wear people out. I wear myself out, just living with myself in my head.
I don’t talk about much anymore to anyone, other than my therapist. I don’t like the reactions I get, so I stop talking. It’s easier that way. For everyone involved.