Today called for the breaking out of a new candle. It is now lit and to my left side, along with my Sondra dragon and my favorite framed picture of my grandpa. I feel like we need each other right now. To add to the comfort factor, I have a cold Chelada and am cooking myself some Fordhooks.
We had a family reunion of sorts today, under the general guise of garage sale preparation. Sondra’s sister was here from TX. We haven’t seen her since the funerals a little over a year ago and it’s bizarre to see her in this town without Sondra here. Dave’s wife and kids were here, too. Gavin even came over. It was a mixture of sad and sweet to see everyone together. Left me with some serious memories floating through my head.
It seems like just the other day since Sondra passed. I remember the whole week like it is in Technicolor, engraved on a stone that I must have swallowed at that time. Living in this house, I am reminded of her every day and often it feels like she is right across the table smoking a Kool and chomping on ice. I don’t really know how to describe it. I think she knows I have needed someone to be there.
Karis and Annette went to the gravesites today. I haven’t been and don’t know that I will ever. That is not where Dave and Sondra are for me. They’re right here in this house and I see them every day. As for Grandpa, he’s out at the lake. He’s also here with me in my kitchen when I’m frying eggs and eating sardines right out of the tin.
I have so many beautiful memories of growing up with those two in my life. There have been times in my life, in times of desperation and despair, that I have asked God to wipe my memory clean from the horrible things I have seen happen. So that I can start over and not be haunted. Upon reflection, I realize now that this would be the worst thing that could possibly happen.
All of the memories, with Sondra, with Grandpa, with QoB and Big Dog, they can’t be replaced and I visit them often. Even while I am making new memories with my family, the memories of growing up and coming to where I am now give me comfort.
Sure, there are things in my life that I wish I would forget, but if it meant that I were to lose one of those positive and heart-strengthening memories, I’ll deal with the bad ones.
I wish I had given my mom a big hug and kiss when she left today. I wish I could be more patient with how hard this is for everyone else, not just how it affects me. I find myself praying and praying here recently. For courage and strength and compassion. For my family, as big as it can be.
We didn’t get to hear it when you wanted us to, Sondra, so here it is:
Pink Floyd, Comfortably Numb