I realized yesterday that I haven’t done a single mindfulness exercise since I moved into this new house. Additionally, it seems I have stopped practicing mindfulness all together, here within the past however long. At least that’s what it feels like.
I have started to notice that I am having a lot of intrusive and obsessive thoughts. They spiral, they go out of control, they so go there. And then back again. And then there. I have become stuck inside of my own brain. There is a part of me that wants to get out, and a part of me that would rather just stay there.
I have been doing some evaluating of my health here in the last month or so. I feel like shit. My weight has gotten to the point that it is keeping me from doing things I once enjoyed, and also keeping me from things necessary to function. It’s not pretty.
I am considering Lap-Band surgery. I have had a weight problem since I was young, and have tried to control that problem since I was in my mid-teens. I go up and down, up and down. Off and on Weight Watchers, trying low-carb, joining a gym, buying a Bowflex, taking diet pills, exercising into pain and then relapsing on food. Nothing has given me the results I desire. And I don’t desire to be thin. I just want to be able to function again. I want to have energy and I want to be healthy for years to come.
It has been quite an experience for me, reading all of the forums and literature about Lap-Band. It is anxiety-provoking, because I wonder if I can do it, and it is exciting because it is a new possibility. I would have to radically change how I eat and live. I would have to do that anyway in order to lose any weight.
If I don’t want to end up dead at 35, I will have to radically change my eating and exercise patterns, whether I get a Lap-Band or not. I question if I can do it. I wonder if my overall life pattern of apathy toward improving my health can change. I am asking the question and not getting an answer.
I am going to a seminar on Saturday about the procedure. Hopefully that will help me decide if this is something I want to do and something I think I can do. I want to be sure. This is serious.
If this blog seems forced, that’s because it is.
Sometimes, I have to practice a little opposite-to-emotion to get through all that willfulness I have churning inside me.