Another week has passed…finally. About a month ago, I was looking forward to this week, Holy Week. I was going to attend all of the services, celebrate Jesus. It’s 5:03 on Easter evening and I didn’t go to a single one.
I have felt the absence of God recently. I felt like I had found Him and now it feels as if He has gone. I think that it is possible that depression is blocking Him from reaching me, sinking me deep into concrete and covering my ears and eyes to the beauty in the world. It is hard to see anything good coming. Even when they are brought to my attention, I see no hope. I feel mired in these terrible feelings.
Of course, the question is asked, “And what are you doing to bring yourself back?” The answer is always, “Not enough.” I am not doing enough. I feel like giving up sometimes. Sometimes I do give up for a little while, sometimes even a long while. I am at that point where there is only a little piece of me that thinks I can feel better.
Wanting is not having. I do want to feel better. At least, I think I do. I just want things to be easier. I want to not struggle, I want to not feel sad and alone. What I do not want to do is work at it. I am lacking the energy to do the smallest things for myself.
Today I went to the grocery store for the first time in about a month. I have been eating random things out of my pantry and freezer, eating at Mom’s, and eating fast food. And a lot of noodles.
I have really been missing having healthy food around house. There has not been much to eat at the house, and while I feel like all I want is a sandwich or a salad, I just give up and eat junk. I go get junk. I do not go to the grocery store, I go to the drive-through or the gas station. It is no wonder my body feels terrible, with all of this processed and fried food. All the salt!!
I was going to put off going to the grocery store for another week, but I am beginning to miss protein and feel like I have eaten enough carbs to last me a lifetime. I wonder to myself, knowing what GoM would say, if this latest sequence of giving up on monitoring my eating is contributing to my depression. Well, of course it is. I have the want to eat something healthy, but I don’t have the energy or desire to do anything about it.
So, I went to the grocery store today. I bought meat, vegetables, healthy dairy, fruit, and nuts. I have this tiny glimmer of hope within me that I can start doing better with what I am eating.
If I could just make myself care about one little thing, I want to care about what I am putting in my body. If I could just get that one little thing under control, the rest might start to come together. Eating better might mean more exercise, which could lead to more energy to put toward making myself feel better.
I have talked myself into having a goal for the week. Yay.
Just click on the link:
Norah Jones, Sunrise