Life since I’ve last blogged has been fairly good. At least I think it has. I’ve been getting out and about quite a bit, have started cooking and eating normal food again, mending mending mending trampled fences.
I went to a classical music concert with my dad tonight. It was a freebie, but there was a full symphony, which I had never seen/heard before. I really enjoyed the first session, and then there was intermission. I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror, and I saw someone I didn’t recognize.
Painful thoughts, shameful thoughts. How did I get this way? Painful, shameful. Very strong thoughts, thoughts that I couldn’t keep quiet. Should people that look like me even go out into public?
I went back into the auditorium and sat down, wincing as my oversized arse tried to fit into a tiny seat. More pain, more shame.
Seems that, since my mind was already on a negative track, it was going to give me fits at trying to get back into an even keel. I started really watching the musicians…how passionate they seemed about their art, how invested.
It made me remember my last year of college, when I was pretty sure that I was going to turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to social psychology research. Even with all the music playing, intense, what should have drowned out any thought I was thinking…my mind screamed louder than orchestra sang.
I remembered going on grad school interviews, hopelessly manic and out of control. The painful things that happened — how I thought I would be great but I couldn’t keep my behavior in check, couldn’t standing to be sober and instead devolving into drunken madness. The rejection and the judgement that I put upon myself as a complete failure. Thinking, “I will never be great. I will never do great things.”
I couldn’t keep those images from my mind’s eye, and they looped over and over, with me trying to do anything I could to stop them. Praying, “Dear God, please be with me right now…dear God, please help me to let go…please help me please help me please help me.” Desparate pleas inside my head, competing with the vivid images and the soundtrack of my believed failures.
Angry thoughts, tearing up my heart and all that holds me together. That voice telling me that I didn’t follow my talent for music and now it is lost, now anything I play on the piano is laughable and I will never return to any level of competence.
Thoughts of a child and young adult who was told over and over that she could do anything she wanted…the joy with doing just that, and then later, feeling unable to be even adequate, nevertheless great.
I know these thoughts in my head will pass. I know I may wake up and they will be gone, only to be pushed deeper and deeper, until tears seep from my little toes, having been pushed as far as they can go.
More prayers for peace, for the ability to be kind, to understand. Pray and pray and pray and God, I know you are out there.
This song played on Pandora today and it made me very sad. I am ending my day with it so maybe I can find the hope that I lost somewhere along the way these last 24 hours.