Blindsided — Please Wait for Restart

Life since I’ve last blogged has been fairly good.  At least I think it has.  I’ve been getting out and about quite a bit, have started cooking and  eating normal food again, mending mending mending trampled fences.

I went to a classical music concert with my dad tonight.  It was a freebie, but there was a full symphony, which I had never seen/heard before.  I really enjoyed the first session, and then there was intermission.  I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror, and I saw someone I didn’t recognize.

Painful thoughts, shameful thoughts.  How did I get this way?  Painful, shameful.  Very strong thoughts, thoughts that I couldn’t keep quiet.  Should people that look like me even go out into public?

I went back into the auditorium and sat down, wincing as my oversized arse tried to fit into a tiny seat.  More pain, more shame.

Seems that, since my mind was already on a negative track, it was going to give me fits at trying to get back into an even keel.  I started really watching the musicians…how passionate they seemed about their art, how invested.

It made me remember my last year of college, when I was pretty sure that I was going to turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to social psychology research.  Even with all the music playing, intense, what should have drowned out any thought I was thinking…my mind screamed louder than orchestra sang.

I remembered going on grad school interviews, hopelessly manic and out of control.  The painful things that happened — how I thought I would be great but I couldn’t keep my behavior in check, couldn’t standing to be sober and instead devolving into drunken madness.  The rejection and the judgement that I put upon myself as a complete failure.  Thinking, “I will never be great.  I will never do great things.”

I couldn’t keep those images from my mind’s eye, and they looped over and over, with me trying to do anything I could to stop them.  Praying, “Dear God, please be with me right now…dear God, please help me to let go…please help me please help me please help me.”  Desparate pleas inside my head, competing with the vivid images and the soundtrack of my believed failures. 

Angry thoughts, tearing up my heart and all that holds me together.  That voice telling me that I didn’t follow my talent for music and now it is lost, now anything I play on the piano is laughable and I will never return to any level of competence.

Thoughts of a child and young adult who was told over and over that she could do anything she wanted…the joy with doing just that, and then later, feeling unable to be even adequate, nevertheless great.

I know these thoughts in my head will pass.  I know I may wake up and they will be gone, only to be pushed deeper and deeper, until tears seep from my little toes, having been pushed as far as they can go.

More prayers for peace, for the ability to be kind, to understand.  Pray and pray and pray and God, I know you are out there.

This song played on Pandora today and it made me very sad.  I am ending my day with it so maybe I can find the hope that I lost somewhere along the way these last 24 hours.

Regina Spektor, The Call

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4 thoughts on “Blindsided — Please Wait for Restart

  1. I am extremely self conscious. I will always glance a mirror or my reflection in a store window. My first thought is to always stad up straight.

    I used to be an avid symphony goer. Many, if not most people, do dress up for the symphony. If you do not work in a somewhat upscale office setting you will not normally be around dressed up people. That is going to make you feel self conscious. If you rarely ever dress up then there is a good chance that your dress clothes may not be the best fitting or very comfortable. That is going to make you feel self conscious. You are also going to an event that you never go to. That is going to make you feel self conscious. Now mix all of these together.

    When we are self conscious and we look in the mirror, more than likley we will not like what we see. It is then going to be very hard to stop all of that negativity from coming on. All you can do is to try to counter or deflect it. At times like that it is going to be hard to see anything good in yourself. I know that one all too well.

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  2. I get those spasms of deression and self loathing all of the time. I often will get them when I do out and I am at some sort of musical performance, and that was the case last night. They will just come on out of blue and they often are accompanied by these rushes of inner pain. My other half has told me that she can the moment that one comes on by the look on face.

    At times like that I will try to just focus on the music. I will try to push all of that pain and negatvity away and I will just concentrate on the music. I want my body to move with the music. I want to feel each riff or meolody line. My body will begin to sway and my hands will begin to move. They may move in a conductor type movement. They may move in a percussive movement. Sometimes I will notice my left hand will begin to piano chord with the music.

    One afternoon I went to see a string quartet play at a church in a nearby community. When I got there I could that sadness welling up insie of me. There was the feeling of intense discomfort and I could feel myself slipping into this slow tumbling sennsation. I kept on telling myself that I was not going to let the depression ruin my day and I just focused on the music. My hands kept on moving as those of a conductor.

    Afterwards somone asked me if I was a conductor because my hands were moving in sync with the music. I said that I was neither a conductor or a musican. I just enjoyed music. One woman came up to me and asked if she could ask me a question. I replied sure. She asked me why did it seem that I was so much more in tune with the music than anyone else there. I smiled because I knew that I could not tell her the truth.

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  3. Ah yes, existential crisis.

    But could I give you this? Thirties are a hella lot better than twenties. No sane individual I know wants to go back any further than their thirties. 🙂 …XOXO

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