I feel like my mind is a little less foggy than it has been over the past six weeks of being ill. Today, crazy ideas and realizations just seemed to come to me, sweep over me. I think this is why so many people say that the thirties are the best years of your life…when you really start to figure things out. At least that is how my thirties have been so far…all three months of them. Can’t hardly wait to be 37 now and know it ALL! Hah!
Something I have actually found is, the older I get, the more I realize that I don’t know. Things I thought I had figured out…nope, not even close. Things I didn’t think I knew anything about, I find myself knowing a little more now.
It has seemed to me, as of late, that my co-workers are frazzled and burning out. In particular, my supervisor has seemed especially annoyed and irritated with me. I asked a co-worker about it today, just to check and see if he was sensing what I was. He told me that she was annoyed and irritated with me. That all of my checking in and letting her know about things happening on my caseload bothered her. That I was needy and needed constant confirmation and reassurance. Well, I can see how that might be. I also tend to talk about things I have already emailed about. That is also apparently annoying.
I have tried talking to my supervisor many times, and here within the past six months just get an “I’m busy” and an annoyed look. If I don’t want to chat with her about the new car she wants to buy or the latest family drama she has going on, she doesn’t want to hear from me. It’s really strange, because I am just realizing this almost as I type it. Whooooo epiphany!
What is so strange about this is that, from the start, she has put herself right in the middle of my job. She wanted to be kept in the loop, updated, etc. Now she just doesn’t give an eff. I am trying not to take that too personally. As QoB reminded me, I am always talking about how burned out she is, and now I should realize that, by being burned out on her job, part of that being burned out has to do with my supervision. Well ok.
I’m not too sure what to do about all of this. I don’t want to try and talk to her, because she’ll just think I’m needy and am complaining (something she said today, “you never come in here except to complain.”) I guess I thought that employees were supposed to come to their supervisors with their difficult cases and concerns. Apparently I am doing too much of that.
So, because she has changed, I need to change how I operate when communicating with her. I can do that. I don’t like change, but I can do it. It is difficult to take 30 years of neediness and put it aside, but I think I can do it slowly. I think I have actually made some progress in that area in my personal life, over the past few years, and I know I can apply it to my work life.
Now that I know all of this, I have my “duh” moment. Her constant crap mood is not about me. It is directed at me sometimes, but I am not the root. If I were to come into her office to talk trash about anything, she’d eat it up. If I go to her office to talk business, she doesn’t want to hear it. This is not about me. I repeat (mostly to myself), this is not about me.
After some thought, and a suggestion, I unfriended anyone associated with work from my Facebook page today. It was a good feeling. I looked at the people left on my friends list and thought, “Wow, I really would like to know more about what those people are up to now!” I also unfriended some people that I just find annoying. What a relief. Who knew that “unfriend” button could bring so much satisfaction?!? QoB did, that’s who.
QoB also once sent me this YouTube, before I knew what it meant to actually work in a cubicle. Things that make you go hmmmmm.