Here and There

More roller-coaster riding yesterday and today, although yesterday was more like a constant straight-downward plunge.  I literally cried all day yesterday.  I couldn’t speak without crying, couldn’t think without crying…every tiny thing had the tears flowing.  I think they call that “tearful.”

I told dear sweet boyfriend (hereafter referred to as DSB) that I must be crying all the tears I have saved up over the years, from when times were bad and I couldn’t cry or rather, wouldn’t cry.  I have a pretty big reserve, but have been crying almost non-stop for the past month so I’m hoping to be over that soon.

I’m not doing as much in a day as I was before (i.e.,  not going to work), but it still seems like I am keeping fairly busy.  Still, it feels like I am cheating somehow.  I have become so accustomed to daily life being such a struggle, full of stress and sorrow and struggle, that it seems strange for things to be more…relaxed, I guess, for lack of a better word.  I am not dealing with deadlines or incompetent people or hateful people or drug addicted felons or the severely mentally ill or the dying on a daily basis, so, yes, relaxed is probably the right word.

It’s like I feel as if I do not deserve this much easier life that not working has brought me.  And it’s not like I’m sitting on my butt either, not doing anything.  If I take away that negative tinge from my vision, I have actually been getting several things accomplished around my house and other places.

Things that matter, even, some of them.

Probably the best things I have done since I have been “retired” is to help rescue two dogs and, on the other end of the spectrum, to clean my mom’s kitchen.  It wasn’t that dirty, wasn’t a big mess, but it seemed to mean so much to her, that I hope it’s something I can do for her on a regular basis, because it’s so easy for me, yet means so much for there.

I really value and appreciate my mom and sometimes it is hard for me to let her know just how much all of her help and support means to me.  If I can show her in ways like cleaning her kitchen or dusting her house or something small and concrete, then I’ll be happy.  Of course, I would love to do big, elaborate things for her, but I know and she definitely knows that I don’t have the resources or ability for anything like that, so it will just have to be small stuff for now.

DSB and I are getting ready to go plant two new trees in my front yard.  We’ve been up since 6:00 a.m. and have had coffee and meds, breakfast, conversation, I’ve been to the grocery store and have cleaned the kitchen, and he has swept the floors and is working on his volunteer stuff on the computer.  That’s all by 11:00 a.m., and if I really think about it, I’m probably accomplishing more by not being at work than I was when I was going to work.

If I was at work right now, I’d be sitting in a random parking lot or driving around chainsmoking.  I don’t miss that.  I don’t miss feeling like I am hiding or like I can’t cope but have no choice.  I don’t miss harsh supervisors or dealing with negativity and anger.  I don’t miss stress or gossip or rumor.  I don’t miss chugging caffeine and popping Tums because I couldn’t function.  I don’t miss staring at my computer and not knowing what to say.  I don’t miss my boss calling me out in front of people and I don’t even miss my “friends” from work.  All I feel is relief.

Relief that I don’t have to pretend to be working, and relief that I don’t have to pretend anymore to be okay.

James Vincent McMorrow, We Don’t Eat