Today has just been humming along today (today today today). I still haven’t had any significant sleep, so it’s even more difficult to focus on what’s in front of me than usual. My SSDI/SSI call was supposed to be today, but it turns out the dates were mixed up and it is actually on Friday. This sucks mostly because I had built myself up for it to be today. Maybe I’ll be less anxious on Friday.
A lot of talk today about feigned competency and self-validation and letting people go. I had my weekly session with my IOP therapist and it’s always a smorgasbord of topics that are discussed. We talked about being in IOP and how it’s like having “3rd degree emotional burns.” It really is true and if you haven’t felt it, good for you, and if you have, then hang in there.
The biggest issue I want to look at right now is self-validation because I often fall into the trap of looking outside myself for validation, which creates anxiety, hurt feelings, disappointment, etc. The first thing I am working on right now is self-validating the way I live my life.
I spend a lot of time comparing myself to people around me that keep themselves hopping from project to project, so busy and important that they just crash at the end of the day. In fact, most of the central people in my life are like that. When I compare my daily behavior to that of one of those people, I feel like crap. It makes me feel like I haven’t accomplished anything and therefore am a piece of shit, not even worthy of being stepped on.
Something clicked with me today in my individual session and I realized that, although I don’t run around being “busy and important,” my life still has value. Just because I didn’t do xyz today, doesn’t make me a bad person. In fact, the list of things I could do to make myself a “bad” person is quite short. Ok, so I’m not bad. Where do I go from there?
I have to start believing it. It would be amazing if I could get to some Zen point “people aren’t bad or good, they just are (including myself).” I don’t think I have been working as hard in IOP as I could be, although there goes another huge self-judgement that is likely crap. What I meant to say is that there is more I want to be doing in IOP.
I want to be better now. Instantaneously. I want to see that blinding light and hear that crash bang when it all comes together. I had that the last time I went through IOP. What I fail to remind myself is that the crash bang of realization did not come until after I had been in the program for over two months.
Two months is a long time from now, no doubt. Spending 15-20 hours per week in therapy is not easy and I definitely do not give myself enough credit for doing it. The only person “making” me do this program is me. I ASKED for this, almost begging even, to be let in.
At 4:04 p.m. on Tuesday, May 15th, I can say that I am almost proud of myself, right here in this moment. It might not last, but I will climb that hill over and over to get back to the top. I am not giving up, not giving in.