It has been a while since I have blogged. I even received an encouraging email in July, but did not write. My world is alien to me and I just don’t know what to say. Sometimes I think I know what I want to say but I worry about what other people will think, or sometimes worry even what I would think about what I had written. I feel like I am slogging uphill in mud-filled boots a lot of the time, just to make it through the day.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing at any given point during the day. I’m not sure how to talk to people I care about and I really don’t know how to talk to strangers. That age-old “how are you doing” query throws me for a damn loop every time, because while my tendency is to automatically say “good” or
“fine,” that is not how I am feeling. It is however not appropriate to scream at someone that you have lost your path and that you’re sure of absolutely nothing.
I am overwhelmed with thoughts recently. A lot of them very negative thoughts, a lot of them trauma-related. These things I cannot erase from my mind. I am told that I should work on a bit of radical acceptance but that just seems so far away right now. Everything seems so far away right now, and I am frankly sick to death of all forms of therapy and medication management that I am receiving right now.
I am probably not getting better, slip-sliding, because I am having issues with willingness. Or perhaps, DBT is not the therapy that is going to work for me. Maybe I need something different or maybe I just need to find religion or some other such framework. I have no faith in my therapist at the moment (Goddess of Mindfulness is NOT my main current therapist), think case management is a joke, and get irritated going to see the med doc, since all he seems to want to do is run a lithium level and then nod over the results.
On many occasions recently, I have heard that voice inside me say, “just give up.” I frankly feel like I am doing the minimum right now that I could possibly do, and every step is still excruciating. I find myself staying silent for long periods of time because I cannot get the words together in my head to form a sentence. I find myself staring into space with my mind whirring, not able to track down a single thought out of it. I’m not sleeping well. I just came off a two week period of taking fucking Prednisone, which I am pretty sure screwed me up good. I want to eat all of the time. I have cried (a lot) daily for the past several days, with sometimes no real reason. I keep thinking that I will have to go back to the hospital because I can’t manage myself, and that scares the hell out of me.
There is tension in all of my relationships, because I can’t seem to tell anyone what is going on inside my head and I just lie and lie and lie and uncover lies I told a long time ago but don’t remember. I really am not quite sure what to do. I find myself apologizing all the time because I am constantly fucking things up. I am not in control of what is going on in my head and I am not able to regulate my emotions and I am not able to effectively communicate. It’s like Rose is lost somewhere and I have only a fuzzy connection to her.